Proud!

Today it is therapy day again. I'm in the train on my way to Maastricht Randwyck and I think today will be a good session. I am proud of what I accomplished these last weeks. Even if there is still a lot I could have done better (this little devil on my shoulder is always pointing out what I do wrong). I am sad that I have to mention my protocol is still not sent in because I need another approval if the chief of the department of rehabilitation in the hospital. If he does not answer soon I'll send in my protocol though, just can't wait forever.

The thesis-writing is coming along nicely, I am satisfied with what I did so far and although there is a lot more work to do, I am on the right track right now. I hope I can keep it up!

As far as my creativity goes, I just took some pics of some clothes I recently finished. One is the neon yellow skirt, the neon is kind of hard to see with the wrong lighting though. The other one is a zebra dress with neon orange bows.

I also finally managed to finish the first sock I ever knitted, so of course I need to add a pic of that too!

On Tuesday I couldn't resist any longer and so I sent not-my-Finn a message. He did not check his email yet but I hope he will soon and most of all I hope he answers. I miss him so much. The last two nights I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking of him. I am such an idiot.

I Can Do It!

Yeah! Yesterday I worked hard on my research protocol again, just to do the finishing touch. All lay out stuff is now done, spelling check is done, I read the website of the medical ethical committee and e-mailed one of the people who work there to ask if there was anything else I needed to hand it except for the actual protocol and letters, patient information (all the stuff I wrote). Did not get an answer yet, but as soon as I know it's all complete I will send it in after letting my mentor sign all the stuff. I have to send it by snailmail anyway so it is easier to go to Maastricht for that instead, will be faster to bring it to her, let it sign and then bring it to the METC.

So today I had sort of a day off since all is done for now (well, I have to actually start writing my thesis but I thought I could have a day off before I start that). I walked to the building where they drew my blood for the tests they are going to do to see if my muscle tiredness has something to do with missing minerals/vitamins. I can call them in five working days for the answer, so that will be next Wednesday. I am curious if anything will show up.

The walk was nice, snow everywhere and the sun was shining very brightly. I wished I brought my sunglasses but in the end it was just nice to feel the sun on my skin. It is very cold though, the coldest it has ever been in March apparently. Very cold for Dutch people at least, it's of course nothing compared to Finnish cold.

Back home I finished the back part of my sister's sweater and continued with the sleeves. Getting closer to the end now and I am happy about it, I want to try something new with the socks and this is just really boring to knit. I really hope she likes it though!

Yesterday in the afternoon I continued working on my neon yellow summer skirt (it's covered with black lace, don't worry) and I am glad to say it is also almost done. I had some inspiration for my Lizzy Borden shirt so I would love it if I can go and work on that one soon. Which reminds me I have to go to the market place tomorrow to buy some red stretchy fabric and not forget to also buy some metal rings for the skirt. The skirt only needs to be decorated a bit now, still quite a lot of work but the end is in sight.

Still no news from not-my-Finn and I want to write him, but I decided that I will wait until I sent in the protocol because that is really something to tell and something I am proud of when it happens, so I want to share it with him. He has been quite supportive with my studies so he'd probably like to hear how it is going. I am really wondering what he is doing now. Still working on the album or working on the video clip maybe. I remember him telling me he was checking out video clips from many artists to get some ideas and get inspired for their videoclip. I wonder which song will be the chosen one for the first single.

I've been downloading old sci-fi and fantasy movies lately and watched The Dark Crystal yesterday and today Flash Gordon. Both fun to watch. I also watched some really old Rutger Hauer movies and I especially liked him in Turks Fruit (Turkish Delight). He is acting very well in that one I think. Also saw Spetters and Soldaat van Oranje (Soldier of Orange). Still the one that impressed me most is Turks Fruit, just because of his character in there and how he matches with the girl, they really seemed to be so in love. I remember wishing I had a great love like that, it lifts you up and makes you forget all your responsibilities (not always good) and nothing in the world can get you down.

After I've gone to the market tomorrow I will have to look into the mirror again and tell myself I can do it. It really worked wonders and I need to start writing my thesis because I want to go to Finland so badly. I need to finish this thesis as fast as I can so I can hopefully spend the summer there. Getting kind of late already. I think it is time for me to go watch some bad tv show in bed and go to sleep early.

Happy Birthday!

One of my good friends celebrates her birthday today and since she reads my blog sometimes, I want to surprise her with a birthday wish. So, if you read this: happy birthday and I hope you have a wonderful day! We'll meet again soon, can't wait!

Yesterday I told myself: tomorrow will be the day. And it was! I told myself when I got up that I could do it. I kept repeating it to myself, stared at myself in the mirror and said it a few times more in Dutch, in English and my own dialect Limburgs. Somehow I still feel like I am always living in a dreamworld and I couldn't really see myself being completely sincere saying it, but then again I don't know how sincere I normally look...I just never feel like I am completely alive. Nothing feels real. Well, except for the pain when I think of not-my-Finn and how I miss him. And when we were together I finally felt completely alive and feeling again. Wonderful how a person can do that to you. Even if love is unanswered, it can still be something very special that you think of with happiness. And melancholy...those days in Helsinki were so full of good moments, good talks about things we think are important in life. I loved that he confided in me so much, although I knew he was still holding back and just lifted a tip of the veil on the last evening. I wonder what happened to him. I know so little and I just wish I could hold him, comfort him and tell him all will be alright and it won't stay like this forever. But maybe he likes it like this, because it is safer not to experience emotions. Still I have a bit of a brake on my emotions because of my meds and I am really looking forward to the day when I am finally done with them, when I can finally experience emotions to the fullest again and enjoy things so much better. For now, working on my university stuff, I think the meds are better, because I know I would have panic attacks every night again. But I can't wait to really feel again!

Speaking of dreaming, I had the most amazing sci-fi dream about a week ago. I can barely remember what happened, but it had something to do with the world being so completely polluted that people were sent to another world. This other world we reached through being beamed up through some narrow tube with flashy lights surrounding it. I remember that I was there with some good friends and my parents and that we had to try to get on the same beam or close to each other in time, I didn't know why, but it was kind of stressy. So I got beamed up with one of my Finnish friends, more I don't remember. We stayed on this other plate or world for a few months/years? I don't know exactly but it wasn't that long.
When we got beamed (or shot, haha, reversed beam) back, the world was completely healed again and we could start living anew there. Back with my friends and family on the same planet, all apparently survived the travels. Oh and the funny thing was, when we got back on planet Earth, I discovered that many, many more years had gone by. Apparently we were in a place where time went by differently and so it was over 120 years later (someone told me in my dream, but thinking of it, it must have been many more hundreds of years of course). When I woke up, I realized that this was the reason why we had to try and get on the same beam, because of the difference in how time went by. It could have been that we would have arrived in a completely different time, and mostly when traveling back, we could have been years apart from one another if there was even an hour between the travel back. Oh my, I am really overthinking this...

Last night I dreamt about spending a few days and nights with the band on some sort of camp (we stayed in a building though). Don't remember much, just little flashes and that the drummer was so nice to me. I don't recall seeing much of the singer though, where the hell was she??? I remember that I shared a mattress with not-my-Finn and this overwhelming feeling of being safe with him. And he was gone a lot but his band mates were very nice to me. Yeah, keep on dreaming lady, stuff like this does not really happen. Most of the times at least. And since I already was lucky once, I guess there's nothing in there anymore for me.

Back to today! After telling myself so many times that I can do it, I started working on my research protocol and just worked on every little detail, even too many spaces between the words and stuff like that. I worked really hard, gave myself a break after an hour to have some breakfast and relax a little. Then worked on in the afternoon and almost finished everything. Now all I need to do is send everything to my pc upstairs so I can change the files back to Word-documents and see if the layout is still intact, change it where it needs adjustments. Then write the accompanying letter to send it in. And then write to my mentor who's probably back from where she went to for the last two weeks. I need her autograph and one from the head of the department of rehabilitation, since he is the sponsor. That will be everything. And print everything of course...probably more to think of tomorrow but this is the stuff that is most important. I want everything to be (almost) perfect so it won't come back to me because it is incomplete.

One more thing I forgot: my sister had her birthday, and I sent her a text at 12 to congratulate her, even added some Finnish there haha. In the evening I received a text which sounded a bit weird, asking me if I was still away from home (yes, on Thursday I was away but it was only for a day). So I answered I wish I was away, referring to Helsinki of course. She then called me, crying. The day had started out pretty nice, but then she got into a fight again with her boyfriend and now he left her all alone on her birthday and was busy hiding away in the attic. She was so sad and crying and I felt so bad for not being able to just come I Ed and hug her or drag her out of the home to celebrate and distract her. So I tried with little jokes and trying to make her see that she is better off without him. She knows, she is just not ready. This mental abuse has been going on for years. He always blames her for everything, although she is the sweetest girl. She gets more and more insecure and too afraid to kick him out of her home, because she fears she will never find another guy and she will stay alone forever. I told her it's easy to find a new guy, there are plenty. But she still loves him, even though he hurts her more than she is happy with him. He always tells her she has to change because he cannot stand her like she is and she is doing everything wrong, making mistakes all the time and annoying him. I just cannot believe how she can take this for so many years. But I guess that is always the case with mental (or psychological?) abuse. People think they're not worth it and the person a using them is some sort of god. Well at least she doesn't think he does nothing wrong. In fact, I think she is finally getting there, slowly. She finally starts to realize things won't change and things won't get better. I just hope she won't get hurt so much anymore, and won't be permanently damaged by her boyfriend's behavior.

So, time for me to go to sleep. I only slept 7 hours last night, which is really not enough lately, but somehow I couldn't really fall asleep that easy. Then it started nagging me that I wanted to write something and now it's almost an hour later...Goooood Niiiiiight!

Missing Someone

Gosh, I miss him. The guy who is not my guy. I wonder if it will ever work out. I started remembering more of the conversations we had and I cannot shake the images of him looking at me, and of his perfectness. Of course he is not perfect. It is just my pink glasses of love, but I know he would be perfect for me, so kind, so gentle and well-mannered. As a kind of tribute or whatever you might call it, I downloaded (shame on me!) a few bad sci-fi/fantasy movies from the eighties and I'm kind of curious about them. Most of them I heard of but never watched. I just wish we could discover them all together.

So the last few days I have been sleeping a lot, still terribly tired. Yesterday I fell asleep by mistake, actually I wanted to just rest for a few minutes, because my therapist had advised me to do so instead of sleeping so much (I always feel crappy after falling asleep during the day). The resting turned into 3,5 hours of sleeping. Luckily I was apparently so tired I could still sleep very well during the night.

Apart from sleeping I have been wanting to finish my work for the research protocol since I finally can, but somehow I cannot get myself to actually do it. I feel so tired all the time I cannot get myself to do anything useful. I did do a lot of knitting since I wanted to make a nice sweater for my sister's birthday. It's not finished yet, but since I won't see her today, on her actual birthday, there's no harm done.

I also found a knitting pattern for socks online so I decided to give those a try as well. And I am still halfway through knitting a hat for my friend. So lots of projects I cannot seem to get finished.

At sewing class I worked on a summer skirt and a summer top. The top is done, except for the part I need to do in class since I cannot do this at home with my sewing machine. But that will only take a few minutes. The summer skirt I've been wanting to make for a year now and last time I was about to finish the waistband, the zipper broke and I had to start all over again with that part. So this Friday in class I bought a new zipper and I can soon start working on that one. If only my body did not feel so tired so that I could sit up without feeling like I just walked a marathon.

I went to the doctor on Friday morning, since my therapist adviced me to go and ask her about my muscles feeling so tired all the time. She thought I might be having too low levels of natrium, or maybe something with vitamin B12. The rest of the options I forgot but I tomorrow I can go to check my blood. I hope there's nothing wrong, that it is just a side-effect of the medication like my doctor suggested. She said there's nothing written about side-effects with muscle tiredness, but it could be some sort of muscle soreness, like I worked out too hard or something (from the medication, not from actually working out too hard).

I asked my doctor to also check out my right breast since there's been this annoying part in there that is a bit harder. It doesn't feel like anything bad, but I just wanted to make sure, since I had some things wrong with my breasts years ago. So she checked them out and all was okay she said. So that's a relief. Although I was almost sure it was okay, you always have this little voice inside your head telling you it might be wrong.

Now, I hope next week will be my week of happiness, in which I won't be tired anymore and I can work on my protocol and finish it (please tomorrow already!). And then I can finally start with the official thesis. Somehow I've been wanting to start on that one already for a while, in my head it seems like such a simple thing to write after all the difficult and precise work on the protocol. Probably there will be a lot of trouble with writing the thesis as well, but at least I am optimistic about it for now. NOW FINISH THE DAMN PROTOCOL YOU IDIOT!!!

Summer Outfits

Once more it's been too long. I've been so tired lately, I did not feel like doing anything. However, this week we had three days of spring-like weather and it made me feel much better!

I am currently working on lots of outfits at the same time. Making a summer top, a summer skirt and still hoping to make the bikini I started on last year.

Last week I started working on a dress I had in my mind for years. It turned out a bit different than I had planned, but it sure looks nice! The pic is the way I start with al my projects: first draw each part on paper to make sure it fits. It is so much easier to measure everything on paper than on fabric, especially the jersey fabric since it is so stretchy.

For my summer outfits I decided to stick with ideas I had since last year. I bought lots of neon fabric last year and I want to add little hints of the fabric in my outfits. It should not be too flashy, just nice little details in neon.

I should really start taking pictures of all the things I made, it's been too long and I am only posting little hints all the time and forget to show the finished clothes.

As far as my romantic life goes: nothing really happens. I got two mails after the sweet text messages. The first one was really sweet, telling me he thought about me everytime he opens the Dutch learning book (please open that book every minute of the day!). The second one was not f en answering my question...could be he is just too busy, as far as I can tell he has almost no spare time so when he does he should be sleeping (or reading my book). It hurts though, but I knew already since he told me he had no time for a relationship and also is not that into me...Still I am hoping for a miracle. I so like him. And oh my gosh, the promo pics that were released yesterday! He looks so handsome, I have been drooling over them all day. I am such a sad person. Get a life!

I also got some news (finally!) from the ballet school I have been waiting for to reply me since before Christmas. They are sorry but they don't want to be involved in my study. Really, would it have been so hard to answer me the first time I asked??? Oh well, now I can finally move on and finish all details to send the protocol in for reviewing. And of course I am this slow person who did not do all the little details before so I still need to do them...

Back Home And Already Homesick

I have been wondering whether I should write some things or not. After all, they are personal and not only to me but also to others. On the other hand, I need to vent a bit.

I have been back home since Monday evening. I cried on the planes (I had a stop in Stockholm) and I really wanted to just book a flight back immediately, but at a certain point there's been enough traveling and I need to get back to my studies, even though I barely can do anything right now.

So I left my blog with the day I was going to see my friend perform at a bar. She was really sweet to put me on the guestlist with +3. Of course I brought three friends. We all met and had some nice talks before the show. Drinks were awfully expensive there so we poor girls all sipped really slowly on our ciders and the only friend with a job kept getting more drinks for himself. I am glad at least one of us could afford it over there. When they started playing I got chills, the song selection was great and she did so well! There was a short break in between and after that they did some more Finnish songs. Although I didn't know those, most of the audience did and they were dancing and singing along. It was a great performance and I liked this little bar because it gives it a more romantic and cosy feeling. After the performance me and my friend went back to her home, both very tired again. She even told me she was afraid my Dutchness was rubbing off on her. Well, I am not a typical Dutch person, but yeah apparently me being tired made her sleepy as well. We thought at least.

Next morning we found out it was really more because she was getting sick. Her throat hurt and it got even worse the next days. When I left her on Wednesday she barely could talk because her throat was so swollen and hurting.

On Sunday we didn't do that much, just hung out at her place a bit and talked. We went shopping for some food and I made us some salads so we had some vitamins to eat. I really was craving for fruit and vegetables by that time. Luckily, my salads were a succes because my friend really liked them. I made simple ones she can make herself as well now that I am gone. I noticed she does never really cook because she doesn't know how to and because she thinks it is an awful lot of work, so I secretly decided to teach her a bit while I was there, hoping she would maybe try them for herself later.

On Monday we went sightseeing. She took me to a church where this artist did all the art inside. Beautiful paintings everywhere and also some really beautiful stained glass artwork. I took lots of pictures. Too bad we could not visit a famous painting from closer by. It was something like the wounded angel, I am not sure about the title but it was something similar.

After that we took the bus to a place a bit outside of the city center to visit a tower. You can stand on top and see over whole Tampere. The ride towards this tower was already great, we saw so many beautiful houses and the view with all the trees covered in snow was amazing. We got out of the bus and walked for a bit, I took lots of pics again of all the snowy views. In the tower we went upstairs first and discovered we both have fear of heights but we still wanted to stare down and see all the beauty. It was a bit foggy but that made the view even more spectacular to me.

Once downstairs, we went to have some water and bought a donut there because they were supposed to have the best donuts of Finland there. Of course I don't know about that, since I did not try donuts anywhere else, but it was delicious! Some special spices were added that made it different from any other donut I ever had.

That day I promised to cook for my friend and one of her friends. I decided to go for another salad and enchiladas. It was quite a lot of work, mostly cutting all the chicken, but it was worth it because I think they really enjoyed it. I just feel like a mom sometimes. I mean, they are both quite a bit younger and I feel the need to take care of them, making sure they eat healthy enough with lots of vitamins.

On Tuesday my friend was getting sicker and we stayed in most of the day, except for when we got out for some food. We had some tea and just talked a bit, but since her throat hurt so much we mostly were just silent. No boredom though, just a relaxed and quiet day.

Wednesday was the day I was going back to Helsinki. Although I knew I would miss my friend here in Tampere, I was also really missing 'my guy' and so I was somehow happy to travel back. The evening before I managed to find a really cheap deal in a normally expensive hotel. Back in Helsinki I walked to the hotel, checked in and relaxed a bit. Since I was tired all the time I fell asleep. I knew my Finn would be late anyway, so no worrying about that.

In the afternoon I walked a bit through the city and checked restaurants and their closing times. Hardrock Café seemed to be open until 12 so that would be a good option. As we found out later, it only meant that the bar was open until that time, kitchen was closing at 10pm. Luckily we weren't extremely late, so we got to order a complete meal with a nice cocktail. As he told me, this was his gift to me because it would be Valentine's Day tomorrow. He said he doesn't do Valentine's Day so that's good to know. Why are guys always so unromantic?

But anyway, unromantic or not, it was sweet of him to do this for me. We had a really nice talk again and almost got looked away by the waiters cleaning up tables next to us. This was getting too familiar. Almost every time we went for dinner it had to be in a hurry for some reason. Once we had to catch the movie and all the other times the restaurant was closing up. Oh well, even with this we still managed to have great conversations. I cannot remember what we did that evening, if we went straight to bed or watched something, but I guess it doesn't really matter that much. I just know I had a great time with him again.

Next day was the real Valentine's Day. We had breakfast together, another nice moment and good talks and then he was off to work. I walked through the city for a bit that day. I really enjoyed all the walks there. I did not feel alone at all, just enjoyed the fresh air and quiet. I also wanted to find a little something as a Valentine's gift, but what I tried to find wasn't anywhere to be found. I wanted to get a copy of Tad Williams' Otherland - City of Golden Shadow. It's the first book of a series of four and it's a really good fantasy/sci-fi series. I enjoyed reading it when I was about 16 years old. In the end I decided that the hat I was knitting was maybe a more suitable gift since it didn't really cost me that much but I still took quite a while to make it, so it was more of a personal gift. I went back to the hotelroom and finished the hat in time for that evening.

Again I got offered a Valentine's Dinner, which is sweet, considering he doesn't do Valentine's Day and I had gotten offered a dinner the night before already. But well, I already knew he was a real gentleman. He seemed to be pleased with my hat and wore it that day outside. I am glad it fit him! We went to a Thai restaurant where we had been before, called Tamarin. We decided on this day we would eat a bit more healthy food, and so we did. They add lots of vegetables to the food and they are still very fresh, not at all overcooked. Afterwards we headed towards the supermarket and bought some fruit (and some tiny cake for him, he is a real sweettooth).

At the hotelroom we watched some really geeky things, I loved it! We watched some really old kids tv series with dinosaurs in it, called Dinosaucers. It still makes me smile, this name. Who ever came up with this name was a genius. Then we watched the rest of 'Labyrinth', the movie we last time started. I still love that movie, although a bit of the magic is gone when you're not a child anymore. We also watched part of a Rutger Hauer movie called 'Flesh and Blood'. We both saw it before but unfortunately we got too tired to completely finish it. I really need to find that one, I want to see it again.

Another nice breakfast together and gone he was again for work. I took my normal walk through the city, and went somewhere I had not been before. It took me about 2,5 to 3 hours but I am glad I got to find this part. Apparently I walked past the previous home of my guy without knowing. Funny that on that evening we ended up going to that same area to have dinner. It was a great Italian restaurant and it bothers me I cannot remember the name. I guess I will be going there again someday though, to have some tasty lasagne.

I ordered risotto and it was really nice, but as soon as I got a bite from my Finn's lasagne I regretted not ordering that. He told me it was great and it really was. I decided next time I will have that. Next day we went there again, and somehow I was more in the mood for pizza, so instead of ordering the obvious amazing choice, I went for pizza. It was good, but I am still thinking I should have ordered the lasagne. Next time. And then for real!

On Friday he had to go home, so instead of waking up every five minutes I had a good night's sleep. I went to breakfast alone and it did not feel as weird and lonely as I would have thought. That day he said he would be done at work early, and as I was still tired, even after a long night, I went back to sleep again. As I wrote before, we went back to the Italian place again, but before that, he took me to a place he had been talking about before already. It was a cake-restaurant or shop, whatever you call it. You could order a cake-buffet and then you could have as many cakes as you wanted. I had a nice chocolate-cassis one, and a lemon-lime cake. They were very good. We ordered tea with it and enjoyed all the nice tastes. In the next round I tried some vanilla-berries, which was a bit of a disappointment because the berries were a bit bitter. I can't remember what kind of berries they were. I also had lemon-merengue, a very good combination, and my favorite: buckthorn-white chocolate. The best ever! Sour combined with sweet, always good. We wanted to go for another round and tea, but of course the shop wanted to close at that time and so we were left a bit unsatisfied. Oh well, at least there was still room for that delicious pizza! In the next booth there was also a Dutch girl sitting with a Finn, we said this cannot be coincidence, but what it was a sign for never became clear.

Back at the hotel we watched Fraggle Rock, a tvshow from when I was a kid. He never heard of it but seemed to enjoy it because it was so happy and the songs were simple but funny. After checking all the movies he brough, we decided on Red Planet, a sci-fi movie, and I am glad I got to see it, it was very good. I thought now it was time to sleep, but we also started watching The Hitcher and finished it. Quite a scary movie. I am sure I will never pick up a hitch hiker ever! 

I remember at one point in the middle of the night I woke up and he held my hand and kissed it. I think it was the most romantic thing someone ever did to me. I enjoy it anyway to sleep next to him and hold his hand. It is very different from sleeping in each others arms but much more comfortable because you don't wake up from someone moving a bit, and your arm doesn't fall asleep. I do like to cuddle up in his arms in the morning though. I am just a sucker for romance I guess.

That Sunday was my last day in Finland. I still did not book my flight home and I decided this was the time to do it. I went for my daily walk and as I had to do get some gifts I went souvenir shopping. I got some nice Moomin gifts and lots of salmiakki-chocolate bars and I hope my friends are happy with them. I know it is not much but it is hard to come up with something affordable and something that fits in the already full suitcase. My guy said he would be working only half of the day so I expected him between four and five. Just enough time to get him some going away present (yeah I am the girl who likes to give lots of presents) and something I had been thinking about before I found in one of the last stores I checked out. It is really hopeless to find a Finnish-Dutch learning book in Finland. People are apparently not interested in learning Dutch over there. Luckily I knew this guy was at least a but intrigued. I wrote him a letter as well, saying he stole my heart (as if that was not clear already) and how I appreciated his company these last weeks. 

As time passed by that day, I did not hear from him. At a certain point I figured he would not show up anymore because he knew I was leaving anyway. Time never went so slow. Around 8pm he called me, saying he could stay longer at work that day, that no one else needed the studio so that's why he'd stayed longer. Would have been nice if he had told me that a few hours earlier...He would be at the room in about twenty minutes. I freshened up and waited. And waited. It was 1,5 hours later I think, when he finally arrived. No parking space in the area. This was a bad day, I could really feel this was not going to end well.

The only place probably still open for dinner would be the Italian place we went to in the first week, called Vapiano. I had bruschetta and spaghetti. Good, but unfortunately a bit cold by the time I got to it. I just ordered it wrong, so it was my own fault. I could tell he was really tired, after all we did not sleep that long the night before and he had been working non-stop.
He later told me he was all shaky. I know that feeling all too well, it's like you're in a dreamworld. Welcome to my daily life.

Back at the hotel we decided to go to sleep immediately, since it was late already and we were both tired. Well I destroyed it all with my gift. He read my letter and told me he was not that into me. I am wondering how I could have misread all the signs. The secret kiss on my hand, the sweet smiles, the staring into my eyes, taking me to dinner every day. On the other hand there were the days in Tampere when I barely heard from him, and of course not calling that he would be late. If he had thought about it, he would have known I would be worried. But apparently this is how it is. He does not want a relationship. He does not feel that for me. Or at least not that deeply. Girlie as I am, I cried. Luckily the lights were turned off already so I thought he would not notice. And again there I am confused. He did notice and cared. He hugged me and took care of me, stroked my arms, face and hair and we talked for hours about all things that are important to us and in our lives. I told him about my childhood when everybody at school hated me so much they bullied me every day until I was terrified to go to school. We talked about previous relationships, and about what we want to become in the future, about death and that we want to be remembered. You know, the important things in life. I think this was the best talk we had so far and I really got to know him a lot better. Unfortunately I also know that now I have to try and forget him. On the other hand I am not so sure if I really should. Like before there are mixed signals.

The next morning I woke up feeling really bad. Of course, I just got told I am not that person to him that he is to me. He asked how I was doing and even those kind of questions make me cry already. I wonder what he did to me. I remember very well I did not cry for a very long time and it was like nothing could touch me so deeply. But apparently he does. He is that special to me. He held me in his arms again and before I knew it I was looking into his beautiful eyes and drowning again. His sweet kisses, his soft touch, I just cannot resist. And he can't either, obviously. We missed breakfast and I started packing my things. We left the room just in time and he took me to an organic store where they made special smoothies. I can only remember the name of mine: Sports Lady, don't know what was in it. It tasted very fresh and healthy though. He also promised to bring me to the airport and he did. Still the gentleman! He even carried my suitcase, which I really did not like since I know how heavy it was. It embarrassed me. But it was a sweet offer. He went with me through check-in and finally left me at the security check. I got to hug him for one last time and to kiss him for one more time. I hate goodbyes. He told me he would write me. He asked when I was going to be back home.

I had a stop in Stockholm so it took most of the day to travel. My parents waited for me as soon as I came through customs and they took me for something to eat and then brought me home. Almost home, I got a text message from my Finn asking me how my trip was. That he would read something of the Dutch book I gave him. He told me he was thinking of me the whole day. Once more I am confused. I answered, thinking he was already asleep, but I got another message sending me hugs and kisses. Although this is really a bit cheesy, I love to get a message like that. More confused than ever...

The next day I sent him something back about my day, and he answered that evening. I answered back the next morning and that was it. I did not hear from him again. Today I cannot sleep. I went to bed really early because I felt so nauseous. I am still awake at 3am. I cried for a long time. I just don't know what to do. Send him a message because he seemed to like them before. Cut off all contact? Do I really want that? What I want is to write him how I am doing, even if that is sometimes not so well. What I am thinking about, what I am dreaming about. Like we did before. I wonder though if he would consider that annoying, like I did not get the hint, or that he would appreciate it and think otherwise I did not care for him at all if I can just drop him like that. I really don't know what to do. Go with what my heart says probably, like always.

Right now I wish I could not feel anything. No happiness but also no sadness. I wish I could just continue life and not care. I wish I could act like the single girl I am. Not being hung up on anyone, enjoying life. It all contradicts each other. My whole life is a contradiction at the moment. I cannot concentrate on anything, not even on a conversation, but I can write this for over an hour. Maybe it helps me to focus better or something. My mind wanders off all the time normally. Now it still does, but I can send it back to memories and that helps a bit.

I noticed that I feel cold again most of the times. I did not have any problems with that in Finland. My mom said it might have something to do with being relaxed and happy there. I just wish I could have kept that happiness a bit longer. I am thinking more strongly about moving there. Even if there is no guy to warm my heart, I feel so much at home there. I felt awkward walking around in the city these last days. I feel like I am being watched and judged all the time. Of course that is mostly in my head, but I did not get that feeling at all in Finland. People leave you alone. They don't look down on you. At least they do not show it. I wonder if it would be possible to make a living there. Mostly if I would move there next year with no fluent Finnish skills. Would it be possible to pull that off? I really want to try. I feel more free to do whatever I want to do over there. Over here I am expected to find a job as a physiotherapist, ballet teacher or researcher. Over there I can hopefully use more of my creative side. And that's what I would love and prefer to do. And there is still a bit of hope left in me that I will get together with my guy. I really believe he would be my perfect match, my one to make me complete. Only time can tell...

Back In Tampere

After a wonderful couple of days in Helsinki I am now back in Tampere, visiting my friends over here. I left on Thursday morning after having a nice breakfast with my Finn. He brought me to the busstation and I was so sad to see him leave.

We spent a few evenings and nights together, since he had to work during the day. That was good anyway, because I am so exhausted. We had a few nice dinners together, watched The Hobbit together in the movie theatre and had some great talks. There more I get to know him, the more him seems to suit me. He is not the typical musician with a heavy kind of lifestyle. He takes good care of himself, not drinking too much booze, not smoking and trying to eat healthy. Just my kind of guy. He really takes his work seriously and is a perfectionist and since I am too, I can completely understand him. I guess that I would always be second place though, which is not something I would choose, but hell I love to be alone so him being away touring and stuff would not be the end of the world. It also makes a relationship that much more exciting, not being together every second. I think I could manage very well. After all, I love quiet times, doing the things I love by myself and it's so much easier to meet up with friends.

The day I arrived in Tampere I got to meet some of my friends best friends. They are all nice girls and they were so sweet talking to me and each other in English most of the times. I really appreciated it, I know how hard it can be to switch languages with friends once you're used to speaking in one language. We went out for drinks to a few bars, had a blast and met up there with another friend. She fits perfectly into our little group and yesterday we went out with her again. My friend and I were very tired though, so we decided to leave earlier and just have a good night's sleep. I am still very tired though, so I guess I might take a short nap soon. I am just not used to going out so much, I rarely go out when I'm at home. I guess I am just a boring person normally, preferring to stay at home and do some sewing or watch a few shows while knitting. Must be the age difference as well, haha. Luckily my Finn is not that much of a party animal either.

Tonight we're invited to go see my friend perform at this bar. I can't wait to see her sing, because she said it would be so different from what she normally does with the band she's in. She has the perfect rock voice and I am curious to hear her sing other styles.

So, that's it for now. Lots of partying and hanging out with friends, which I love the most! Keep you posted!

From Tampere/Helsinki With Love

At the moment I'm in my studio apartment in Helsinki. It's really nice and everything I need is here. Yesterday I went out for some grocery shopping so I can make a nice breakfast later. I noticed everything is so expensive, but I guess all the things I needed were imported and of course it's much further to Finland than to the Netherlands. I got some strawberries, oranges, salad, tomatoes, eggs and bacon so I think I can survive for a few days.

I am hoping I can book another few days at this apartment because I really don't want to leave yet and I checked my university e-mail and since I did not hear anything yet from the ballet school I am waiting to get approval from, I can't do anything anyway. A good reason to enjoy this great city some more, and of course the company I'm having here!

Let's go back to Tampere. We arrived there around 2.30 in the morning, walked to my friend's home and talked for a while, until her other friend could take the bus home. Slept very well that night, since I was exhausted, and the next day we got some Chinese food at a place close by. It was delicious, although I was missing any kind of vegetables. Yeah, I am really missing those by now, so I am glad I can now cook for myself.

In the evening my friend decided to show me the nightlife of Tampere. We went to a nice little bar called Hälläkellari (if I'm spelling it right) and it turned out to be karaoke night. Of course I dragged my friend on the stage to do some songs. We ended up picking Paparazzi from Lady Gaga since we thought it would fit our constant Sonata-stalking. After that I did Sleeping Sun from Nightwish and got some fans. They came asking at our table if I would do some more songs, so I got back on stage and did Bring me to life from Evanescence. At the end of the evening we did a Finnish song from Teräsbetöni, after all I need to practice my pronunciation!

The next day I met up with another friend from Finland. She lives about 150kms away from Tampere and came by bus around noon. We met up at the hotel she booked for us and got rid of our stuff. We planned a day full of shopping but somehow the shops didn't agree with us. Fashion is terrible at the moment. I could not find anything I liked. I love all the neon stuff that's been a hit since last year, but somehow all designs were ugly. I ended up buying a hairband and that was about it.

We bought some ciders at Alko and decided we were too lazy to go out that night. Instead we stayed in our room, watching bad movies and talking a lot. I think it was the best choice to make as we had so much fun and really got to know each other a bit better. The next morning we took breakfast at the hotel and left our things there for another round of shopping. We didn't check one part of town yet. Finally I found some nice things. I bought really nice ankle boots with studs and a black jeans with the whole side covered in studs. The zipper was completely loose on one side, I think the threads had broken or something, but it was the last one in that size so I got a nice discount. We decided it would be nice to eat some Mexican food and went to Amarillo. The food was good, although way too much and I felt like you could roll me back to the hotel. We were both getting sleepy and decided to walk back to the hotel to get our things. My friend walked to the bus station and I went back to my other friend who lives in Tampere.

In the evening we went to Jack the Rooster, as we had been wanting to go there for a few days now. It was quite fun there, although I must say I prefer Hällä. We did some more karaoke there, and went home quite early. The next day our bus to Helsinki would leave at twelve and we still had to pack some things.

The busride went well, I dozed off a few times and listened to music the whole ride. In Helsinki we tried to find out where we were exactly. It was much easier than we thought but it took us a while to find our hotel Radisson Blu Royal. Our room looked great and we did some shower and make-up session already for the show. We also went out to get some nice drinks and food and made it nicely on time to get a front row spot at the Sonata gig at Virgin Oil. Once we had our spots of course I had to leave to find another friend. I found him and it was really nice to see him again. Unfortunately the guy I planned to meet there I did not find. I sent him a message but he only saw it after the show. At least he was patient enough to wait for me and it was so great to see him again. We kept staring into each other's eyes and my stomach was doing gymnastics moves all the time.

It was so hard not to kiss him but I did not want to make my friend feel uncomfortable, so I didn't. After the show a few bandmembers came out from backstage and told us they were leaving for Bäkkäri bar. Of course going there had always been our plan but it's much more fun to go with a bigger group. The show was nice by the way, but there's not that much to say about it since we already saw the same setlist for so many times now. I must say that it's getting boring, I really hope they will change it soon! Luckily the sound over here was much better than in Denmark, although I sometimes had trouble hearing the keyboard.

Bäkkäri bar was crowded as always. As I went to order a drink I noticed a guy who looked very familiar. As I looked again at him, I recognized him as Esa from Amorphis. Next to him were Niklas and Jan. Too bad not the whole band was there, but funny how you can just walk into them over here. Looking around I also saw members of Stratovarius and of course Sonata and Battle Beast (who had watched the show). I also saw another familiar face and it was a friend from my ex-boyfriend, a girl who lives in Helsinki since 1,5 years now. I met her a few times before that and it was so nice to see her again. She is my example in that you can very well move to another country and be happy there.

I was glad there were so many familiar faces because I knew my friend would have some more people to talk to except for me. Finally I got to kiss my Finn and it was great. He said the nicest things to me and everything I feared before just went away. I was so afraid one of us would not be into the other person anymore, or it would be awkward or something, but it all seemed perfect. He spent the night at our hotel room and although I had an amazing time I regret that I did that my friend. She must have had a terrible night being there with two people who cannot keep away from each other. I really was planning on behaving very well but my god that was too hard.

We got up for breakfast in time the next morning and it was a good one! So many choices of food and all tasty! I went for a healthy breakfast since I am eating too much junkfood over here. Back in our room it was again so hard to keep away from my Finn and my friend got a bit annoyed by it and left the room. I felt bad about it but it is so hard to not even be allowed to kiss. I know those sounds are very annoying, especially when you want to sleep. Well she sent me a message saying she was sorry, and was having a coffee so we could have some time alone. So sweet of her! I apologized to her or course later that day.

We talked about many things and I like that we are different but also have some things in common. And he is the perfect gentleman holding the door open for me, holding my coat so I can put it on, being very polite. I am really falling hard for him.

The rest of the day my friend and I spent at Hard Rock Café with another friend and one of the bandmembers of Sonata. We started with a nice cocktail of raspberries and continued with cider, while having a nice meal there. The rest of the band and part of the crew came over as well to have dinner and soon after that they had to leave for the train to Russia. We decided that evening to get some food and take it to our room. We hadn't slept that well so went to sleep pretty early. I slept wonderful again!

The next morning it was time for a delicious breakfast again. Soon after that it was time to pack. We could leave our stuff at the hotel and walked in the city a bit, checking out some shops. We ended up buying matching necklaces with the first letter of our name. I got an L and my friend a D. Took a few pictures with our new necklaces and it is so nice to have such a good friend you can do crazy stuff with. We found another accesories shop and I got a pair of earrings in the shape of zippers, a few bracelets, a cute lace mask and another hairband. Luckily it's sale everywhere!

Around 3 o'clock my friend had to leave for Tampere. I am sad she is gone, but I am hoping I can go visit her soon. If I stay a bit longer over here I might be able to travel back to her and stay for another few days. It would be great fun again, I am sure!

But for now, I want to stay in Helsinki, meet up with my Finn and have some romantic moments before I have to leave again. Yesterday evening we went out for dinner, talked a lot and decided to check out a bar. However, since it was so crowded everywhere and so loud, it was not possible to really talk and hear each other, so I invited him to my place instead. We talked a lot about his job, since that is such a huge and important part of his life and I really like to hear more. He spent the night here and although I hardly slept, my head too full of things to be able to relax, I feel great. His scent is still here, and I am glad I like it. One of my friends and I talked about this. If the scent is not right, somehow it will never work out and you'd better run away haha. Well he chose completely right by himself. I miss him already. He had to leave for work this morning and I really did not want to let him go.

So now I am lying here in bed thinking about all that happened and writing it down. I wish I could stay here forever. Love is a wonderful thing. I hope it will work out for us. I will do anything to make it happen.

Back In Finland!

I'm in Finland!!! So excited to be here. It's beautiful with all the snow, and cold but not too cold. And I love my friend's place, it's so cosy, I feel perfectly at home.

On Friday I left for Hilversum by train, arrived around ten at the railway station and got picked up by my friend. We chatted a little and went to bed afterwards. Next morning came too early but we made it perfectly on time. Her boyfriend brought us to the airport, very sweet of him so there was no stress at all. The flight was good, although it was a tiny airplane.

We were waiting for my luggage but it never showed, so I asked a lady at the desk what to do and she took my information so she could contact me if it was found. Crappy that my suitcase was missing since I was wearing the same clothes for two days then and I really wanted to freshen up a bit before the gig.

Kopenhagen was very windy and cold, and it took us forever to find the hostel, but when we arrived I was so happy it looked so clean and nice. Not at all like I remember from the last hostel I was in. We went shopping soon after we arrived since I really needed some clean socks and underwear. Later that day we met up with my friend from Finland and had dinner at the Hardrock Café. It was delicious! We went to the venue to check it out, bought some drinks on the way and spent our time chatting and waiting for the doors to open.

The show was hilarious because we made it that way, by doing funny dances and stuff, but the sound was terrible. We almost couldn't hear the singer so that was too bad. Also the setlist was almost exactly the same as on the Finnish and European tour, so that was disappointing, but still, we had a great time. You can make everything fun with the right attitude!

After the show we talked for a few seconds with Elias and Marko, but got kicked out by one of the girls that worked there. We were supposed to meet up with the band at a bar afterwards but I think they were too lazy and tired to go out once they were at the hotel. We went to an English Pub and had a drink and then walked a long way until we decided it was time to go to sleep. My friend and I had to leave our hotelroom again at ten in the morning so it was late enough.

Next morning I got a call from Scandinavian Airlines that my suitcase was found and I could pick it up at the airport. So my friend and I went into the city with our stuff, walked around for a while to try and find a place to eat breakfast. After that we took the train to the airport and I finally got reunited with my suitcase! Then came a time of endless waiting, since it was around 13.3p and my flight was at 21.10 in the evening. Oh well, I survived, and all went well with the flight to my 'second home'. I was so happy to breathe Finnish air. It's cold here but I'm okay with it. It looks so pretty, everything covered in white. I can't complain about anything.

I had a good night's sleep, although it could have been a bit longer. And now I think I'll go have a shower and dress and then see what my friend and I will do later today. Some nice food would be good, getting hungry...

Speaking My Mind

Just a short message, the last one before my next trip starts. My internet finally got back to me this afternoon around 4. I am so happy with it, I could do some things I needed to get ready before tomorrow.

I also finished my fake-leather pants and even washed it so tomorrow I can pack it and bring it with me. I hope the fabric doesn't rip or something while I wear it...

I wrapped all the presents for my friends yesterday and now the suitcase is quite full already. I counted 11 presents but I think my friends will all love to get a (few) gift(s) so I have to try and fit it all in there. Even if it means bringing less clothes. I saw that the apartment I rented for the end of next week has a washing machine so I can wash some clothes then, should be okay.

Therapy went nicely yesterday. She asked about my plans after I get my master's degree and I told her I would get back to work at my old practice or move to Finland. I told her I really wasn't sure yet, but I am getting more confident every day that I need to get out of the life I am stuck in right now and start somewhere new. I won't break every link I have with this life of course, I want to keep all of my friends here and travel back to see them and all, but I think it would be great to start with a career over there instead of going on in the same way I always did over here. Not being completely sure if I want to work there forever, if I dare to say something about the treatments some of my colleagues are giving their patients (I think in some things they are really too old-fashioned, although I like working there). I also don't think I want to buy myself into the practice. Just because I am not sure about how they work. I am interested in new treatment ways and giving more attention to the patients, because it is well-known by now that the way you communicate with your patiens and how you approach them is very important as well to the healing process. And exercising is almost always the way to go. Not completely always, definitely not, but I prefer that over putting some UKG on a patient. 

I am starting to realize my mind is pretty well made up by now. I would like to work there for a very short while maybe, but definitely not forever, not even for two years or so. I am old enough to start getting on with what I want to do. No more time to waste on undecidedness.

Being undecided, it was a theme last time in my therapy-session. We talked about it again yesterday and yes I have this many times, but most of the times when it involves other people and what they want to do. I always want to please others so I want them to decide to make sure they are happy with the decision. It becomes difficult when your friends think the same way and you both don't dare to tell what you really want. I am trying now to speak my mind and not always let others say it first. A good thing I can practice in the next week(s). I will meet so many friends there that it is good to make your own opinion clear, especially when there's more than two people around. Otherwise we're all waiting for others to decide since we are all brought up with politeness as a virtue.

Quick update on my sister: she is back with her boyfriend, for now. They are trying to talk about things they want to change. But since they said they would do that, suddenly he doesn't want to talk anymore and just sit and watch tv or something. So now my sister doesn't know what to do and feels guilty towards her friends, because she told them she broke up, and now she is back with him. I told her, it is your life, you make your own decisions. If you want to try one more time, that is your decision and no one has anything to say in that. And we are all there hoping you are happy, whether that is with him or without him. I hope they can make it work, or else that they quickly break up, because I fear it will be too much for her and she is quite fragile. Not that she would do anything to herself, but she would take it hard and would be sad for months again. I just want her to be happy, find her guy SOON, so she can finally have the family she was born to have. She would be the greatest mom and I feel sad that she is feeling so hopeless about her boyfriend not wanting to have children. I wish she wasn't aso fraid to make the wrong decision and thus stay undecided.

This turned out to be not such a short post after all....Guess I had more to tell than I thought.
I got two more messages from my guy yesterday, and now I am missing him because he did not write anything today. Yesterday was fun though, finding out he is just as geeky as I am. It made me feel happy. I really hope it won't be awkward when we meet. I wish it would be just as easy as typing a message to him, because that goes so easy, I am not really thinking of what to write, it just comes right out of my fingers/head onto the screen. I sometimes have to delete stuff because I am rambling. That's how easy it goes. Now in real life I am much more shy and so I hope we won't stay quiet for ages. But I think as soon as I see that shy smile of his, I melt and it's all good.

Down

My internet has been down for a few days, so finally I decided to post with my phone. If I have time I will probably do that as well when I'm in Finland, so I'd better practice my typing skills on the phone.

The last few days I made sure I had all my presents ready for the trip. All I need to do is gift wrap them and hope they will fit into my suitcase. I have to do that tonight somewhere because I know tomorrow I will be busy with finishing my pants and hopefully sending in my research protocol. Why does it take people so long to decide if they are okay with me doing research at their school? You would think they would be happy with possibly helping their students.

Since today I am a little stressed out about all the things I need to do before I leave. Somehow two days left sounds much less than three days. Oh well, once I am on my way I will be okay I hope. Just hoping I won't forget to pack anything!

Right now I am on my way to therapy ad after that my mom will pick me up at home so I can have dinner with my parents. I wish I could use this time for other things but I know they really want to see me before I leave and I want to see them as well. I just wish it wouldn't take so much time.

So I'm halfway there. I think I will try to learn a few Finnish words before I am there.

It's The White Stuff

A while ago, my therapist suggested I do things I would normally not do. One of these things was sleeping on the wrong side of the bed. So at the side where normally your feet are. I can't recall exactly why it was, but mostly I think to get out of your comfortzone, do something that does not feel natural and thus throw your body a bit off-balance. I might be the shock your body needs.

I tried it for the last two nights and although I still had trouble falling asleep, I slept much better. When I woke up this morning I could see everything was white outside. I had to take a picture of course, because we almost never get to witness snow over here. The whole country is in chaos because of this terrible white fluffy stuff. Traffic jams, no trains driving on time, they even have a different schedule, so beware before you count on taking the normal train, it might not be there. I should not forget about that when I go to therapy on Wednesday...And then there is talk about this ice skating contest, the Elfstedentocht, in which ice skaters pass eleven cities skating on natural ice.

Every year when it's freezing for one day, all tv channels, radio shows and news papers only talk about this one thing. It's getting ridiculous because as far as I can recall, last time we actually had an Elfstedentocht was in 1996. I might be wrong with the year but I'm not that far off either. As you can see it's been a while. The ice is never thick enough everywhere to do the whole tour. So every year people get terribly disappointed and we put the idea back into the freezer for next year. Who knows, maybe it will happen this year. And possibly I'm in a country then where they could do this tour every year without any doubt. Ironic.

Yesterday I tried my idea with the leather pants out. I could only think of a few things I had over here that might help make the fake-leather slide easily along the machine. Because powdered sugar would probably get stick as well eventually, I decided to go with flour. It worked quite well, but somehow I was afraid I might damage the fabric as flour is not completely soft, there are some harder parts in it.

Last night when I couldn't sleep I remembered I had bought baby powder years ago for ballet class, because we had to dance on bare feet a few times for a contemporary piece, and after a while your feet get so sticky from sweating that you cannot perform the turns as well as you want to. This morning I checked and found it pretty fast. This was the right white stuff! Now the fabric glides over the machine and I finally have some pretty stitches on my pants. I wish I had thought of this sooner, so for instance the back pockets would look nicer. Or the inner leg stitchings. Oh well, it is my first try with this fabric so I think I am doing pretty well.

Today I put in the zipper and discovered another problem. I used a metal zipper because it matches nicely with the zippers I put in the legs, but of course my machine cannot stitch through metal so I have no clue how to fix this. I have to do all stitchings by hand I guess and I hope it will all stay put, because some parts need to be attached really strong. You don't want your pants to rip open around the zipper, right?

Got a really short message this evening from my Finn who is terribly exhausted from hard work. I suggested some good rest, a sauna and a massage. And I am not too lazy to offer him one, although I am not sure how long my arms and hands will last. Now he is in dreamland so I think I will join him. Would be fun to meet there again.

Heavy Arms

Today I went shopping for some presents. Finally I found all I need so my friends will all get a nice present when I arrive in Finland. I am still busy knitting a hat for one of my friends but got some other gifts all ready for the sweetest girl I will meet there. She sent me a very sweet knitted hat for my birthday so I thought it was time to return the favor. I started with a nice ribbed pattern but somehow I did not like how it looked so I restarted with a bigger rib and hope this will turn out like I want it to be.

Yesterday before I went to sleep I got another short message from my Finn and as always he is working so hard. He told me today would be a long day. I should maybe send him some sweet dreams for tonight so he won't be too sleepy when I meet him!

Since I can eat a bit again I am trying out all the things I was craving before. Today was a day for fries. I had half a banana before but somehow it did not work as well as the other days and I went to bed around six because of bad stomach aches again. I thought watching some TV shows in bed with something warm next to my belly would be good for me, but I fell asleep and just woke up. I guess I will be wide awake for the rest of the night. Just when I started to get my normal rhythm back...

This morning for the first time since two weeks I did some Pilates again. Actually I was surprised about how well it went and I did all the exercises I normally do, even with the lady-push-ups added. I hope my arm muscles soon will start functioning normal again. I'm so tired of my arms being tired all the time. It would also be great if I could go back to my regular job, because I really need the money and I miss my patients. But for now, it is just impossible. I remember massages someone in November and even if it was only for about fifteen minutes, my arms hurt for the rest of the evening. Pretty bad if you need to do this all day long.

I had an appointment with the psychiatrist last week on Monday and asked him about my tired muscles and he seemed worried about it. He kept asking me if there was anybody in my family having a disease related to muscle tiredness or anything like that. I told him my mom has fibromyalgia but as any doctor would say: that's not really something that exists. I did not tell my mom, because I know she really has something wrong with her muscles and I do believe in fibromyalgia. She would get so sad again, because people think sometimes she makes it up. She is such a fighter and I always feel bad seeing how much her muscles hurt when she does something. Still she keeps doing things and works like crazy in the garden. And goes to the gym twice every week to stay in shape, to keep her muscles in action. I wonder how she does it. I really admire her for this.

The psychiatrist also told me I have to take my medication until next year January. I told him that was really a long time so he said, well, at least until October, since that was about the last time you had a panic attack. Of course he is right and I should stay on medication because I don't want this to happen again, but this sucks. No driving for at least nine more months. How will I ever get back to work without driving a car? My muscles don't really allow me to cycle for fourty minutes and then start working. And then cycle back home. Secondly, there are always patients you need to treat at home. That's not possible without a car and with the bike you are just too slow to get from one place to the next. Dilemma. I need to find a job to pay my rent but all things I studied for are not really possible right now. I need to check out if there's something I can do closer to home. Something that doesn't require normal muscle power. Gosh, my arms even hurt right now from typing. Knitting apparently doesn't really help me get stronger muscles.

The Great Food I Had In Miami

I woke up this morning because my phone was buzzing. Very unexpected, but I got another message from my Finn and it was such a lovely surprise to hear from him so soon again. I am really counting the days until I can get on the plane. Not on the one to Denmark, although it will be great again to see my good friends and to see another Sonata Arctica show, but mostly the one to Helsinki.

So many fun things ahead of me, it's hard to focus on the things I need to do before I go there. Since today started with such a nice surprise I was all happy and made a good breakfast shake. I decided to work a bit more on a fake-leather pants I want to get done before I leave. I had some ideas in mind and I have to say they are starting to look awesome. The only bad thing about using fake-leather (or real leather, for that matter) is that this material sticks to the sewing machine and therefore all the stitches turn out much smaller than they are supposed to. I need to figure out how to make it less sticky next time. Maybe I could use some baby powder or something to make it slide more easily along the machine. Food for thoughts.

My sister called me again today and she sounded much happier. Still quite sad but she is finally seeing that she will be better off without her now ex-boyfriend. I wish she had seen the light years ago, I hated to see her all afraid and obedient all the time. There were times when they were very happy together of course, but they never lasted long. I hope she will stay strong and find her happiness!

As written in my previous post I did not cancel the Mexican restaurant this time and my friend and I had really nice taco crisps with guacamole and garlic sauce for starters. I also secretly took some bites from a banana until I ate half of it. Of course you should not bring your own food to a restaurant but I really needed to eat some banana just to make sure my stomach would not overreact immediately. It worked. For the main course we decided to take chicken fajitas and they were lovely as always! I mean, I had better Mexican food but this one is the only restaurant in the area so I'll take what I can get. Thinking of great Mexican food brings me back to Miami...

In Miami, two years ago, my friend and I discovered the Nexxt Café. It was quite a cheap restaurant but the food was amazing. I never tasted such great burritos as over there. They had one on the menu called the Monster Burrito. I had to try that one of course. After the first night we had dinner there we went back almost every day. And I always had the Monster Burrito. I still think about it and wished many times I was in Miami to taste it again. One day I will go back there to have dinner. And to have breakfast at Maxine's on Collins Avenue. They had this giant breakfast dish, called the Hungry Man's Platter. It was very tasty, with two strips of bacon, two eggs anyway you like it, toast, fresh fruit, two delicious buttermilk pancakes with maple syrup and country potatoes with a bit of veggies mixed with them. Best breakfast I ever had.

This week when I was craving food again, I was checking how much it would cost to fly to Miami. Imagine my surprise when I found out a return ticket on a certain date in March was only €379. I know I need to save money at the moment, but wouldn't it be a nice gift to myself for graduating to go to Miami for a week, having the best dishes again, swimming in the sea, lying at the beach or pool and go shopping? I will think about this. Maybe I'd rather go back to Finland when the time comes, but my friend who traveled with me last time really wants to go back as well so I think we need to make a girlie holiday out of this again some day. Maybe next year in March we can both afford to go. The weather would be great around that time as well.

Dreaming about all this delicious food, I almost forget to write how the dinner ended: I had no stomach troubles at all! This morning, thinking I was all cured, I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. In between I made a nice salad for myself, I sure could use some veggies after the last two weeks. During the bathroom cleaning my stomach started to ache badly again and I had to quit cleaning and lie down. So still need to clean the floor, but that's about it. Not completely healthy yet, but I am getting there at least. I guess it's important as well to get enough sleep, so time to go to bed now!

The One And The Asshole

Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore. I have been craving pizza for almost two weeks now so I thought let's just order and see what happens. I mean, the worst that could happen is that my stomach aches after eating it, but that happens as well when I eat crackers so let's have a nice meal instead. And it was delicious! I enjoyed it so much even though it wasn't that good a pizza. It was so nice eating 'real' food again after two weeks. Well of course the next six hours were terrible again but I feel so much better today. My stomach still hurts and I feel a bit shaky but much less than yesterday. So today I think I will go to the Mexican restaurant with my friend after all. I cancelled on her last week already and I think I will try it out and take all the pain afterwards again. I will get better!

Actually, I have to get better! I got a really sweet message from 'my' Finn today saying he liked reading about what was happening over here, even if he wasn't replying that much. And that he was really looking forward to spending some time with me. Oh how much fun it is to be in love!

Yesterday my sister called me, crying. She broke up with her boyfriend. FINALLY!!! After years or tormenting her, she finally couldn't take it anymore. He's telling her all the time that she has to change and she is making him unhappy. He is making her afraid of everything she does, fearing it is not good enough or it will make him angry. She asks him for permission for everything because otherwise he might get angry and then suddenly he gets angry because she asks for permission. Everytime he changes his mind about things and she never knows how he wants things that day. But if she thinks it is this he wants he wants that and gets angry at her for not knowing. I told her years ago that she has to kick him out of her house. I mean, she owns the house and he is living there almost for free (because he does not want her to earn money because he pays her rent), doing almost nothing and complaining all the time. Seriously, I would have kicked him out after the first time he went crazy on me like he did on her, but she took it time after time. I am glad she finally came to her senses and I tried to make her laugh a lot and think about how happy she will be when he is gone. Sure there will be a few days in which she will want to take him back, fearing she cannot stay alone and will not find another man, but I told her this would happen and she had to ignore it, thinking of the fun she had when she wsa single years ago. I hope she will find a good man eventually, one she really deserves and one that makes her happy like she should feel. Someone who accepts her for who she is and not wants to change her all the time.

Of course I hope I will get lucky as well and live happily ever after. My sister asked me if I still believe in 'the one' and I told her yes, I do believe in that person but mostly there is a one for a period in your life. And how long that is you cannot know for sure. Still, do not give up on love, you will find the guy for you.

Insecurities And Karaoke

I just checked my university e-mail account and there was an e-mail from University Maastricht, the normal newsletter. They were searching for students who want to blog about their life. I am seriously thinking of entering. I am not sure if anyone is interested in my life, but it would be great to have some readers (and hopefully some comments!).

Unfortunately, there was no e-mail about my research and I am truly hoping I receive it this week because I need an answer from one of the ballet schools to be able to send in my research protocol. And after this week time is running short before I leave on holiday. It would be so great if I could send it in before I leave so I can stay a bit longer if I want to. I just think it would be sad to leave just because I have to send something in. By now I am imagining spending Valentine's Day over there. That would be romantic. If it all works out with 'my' Finn of course...

Yesterday I got so much inspired late at night I almost wanted to get up and draw all designs for clothes I made up in my head. Today I wanted to start working on my fake-leather pants but all I did was just pinning the fabrics together of the pockets. After that I started feeling nauseous. That was early in the afternoon. Now I am doing okay again, but went to bed around 7 p.m. already because of feeling nauseous again. It is getting better though, I don't feel bad all day and my stomach doesn't hurt as much as it did two days ago for instance.

Since my rhythm is completely screwed up because apart from today I slept a lot during the day, I don't think I can sleep already in half an hour, so I was thinking to learn a bit Finnish again. Didn't do that for the whole week, maybe a bit longer even. I'm such a bad girl! I at least wanted to know some more sentences that might come in handy when you're alone in the city. By now I wouldn't survive on my own if it weren't for the worldly Finns who mostly speak English as well. 

I am very excited about going to Helsinki all by myself. I think I could get lonely there, but on the other hand it is nice that you don't have to make sure the other person is entertained and I can do whatever I want. I could go shopping (probably not with the bit of money I have left), or do some real sightseeing, something we didn't really have the chance to do last time me and my friend were there. And something I also like is that there is the possibilty of having a romantic get-together without anyone feeling like the third weel or left alone.

Traveling alone makes me feel so independent! I feel all relaxed and at the same time excited. The stupid thing is I sometimes feel like this when I travel by train. Just because you can get on a train whenever you want to and get off the train whenever you want to, go anywhere you'd like and stay there as long as you want. I know I will feel completely free when I breathe the fresh air of Finland, walk through the snow and feel the wind in my hair and on my face, while it makes my cheeks blush and I probably feel like I need to dance and sing on the streets (but will not do it of course!).

I am looking forward to having a nice one and a half days with my Finnish friend. She booked a hotel room for us together, and we planned on doing all-girlie stuff, like shopping, having a great (but terribly bad, diet-wise) meal together (or more), watch girlie movies, drink some nice drinks together (only two for me, I shouldn't drink more on medication) and sing karaoke. My heart sings already when I think about it. I love singing and I would love to share it with other people. I only sing together with one of my best friends and only a few times other people have heard me sing. I need to get rid of my insecurities and just do what I enjoy doing. So I will sing karaoke and will love it!

Tomorrow I have therapy and I last time she asked me what I was expecting from her, what she could help me with. I forgot to ask her to give me tips on how to get rid of my insecurities. It would be so much easier to live without thinking all the time that I am doing things wrong, badly, not at all like I should do them, that I don't work hard enough, that...you know the drill. And even with singing I am so terrified what others might think or say about me, that I forget the most important thing and that is that I really enjoy it and it makes me happy. So why shouldn't I just do it. Not everyone is a star at karaoke. And I bet that I am not the worst singer up there. So why not just do it and enjoy myself? It is so much fun to watch people enjoy what they're doing and if you can show and bring that joy to others, why not?

Bad Blogger

I've been a bad blogger. No excuses for not writing anything in over a month.

I've been learning a bit of Finnish Grammar. I've been working on my research protocol a LOT. I've been in touch with many friends very actively. And now I am stuck in bed for over a week with stomach flu. The worst part is being hungry all day but not being able to eat anything because every bit of food (and even tea) makes me feel nauseous and makes my stomach hurt. I keep imagining eating the best burgers, burrito's, buttermilk pancakes, fries, pizza and more...

Today I was in the supermarket to buy some bananas because my stomach seems to handle them best of all foods. I got so dizzy and sweaty and almost fainted. I was so glad when I got back home. The stupid thing is that even all this not eating doesn't really make me lose weight. Only a bit. I think this week I lost a kilo or something. How disappointing.

In a bit less than two weeks I will be traveling to Scandinavia again :D. First off to Copenhagen, Denmark with one of my best friends for one Sonata Arctica show and then she goes home and I will travel to Tampere, Finnland with another good friend I made on tour. The best part of the trip is the travel back to Helsinki for the last days when I hopefully get to meet up with the cute Finn I met this fall. He said he would make some time for me but since he is really busy with work I am not sure if he'll make it. I do hope so though, I think we would be a great match and I would love to get to know him a bit better in person.

My arms are so heavy and tired from typing already...I need to go back to sleep. All I do these days is sleep, wake up and try to get some food inside me, try to keep it inside and sleep again. As soon as I am better I will go and enjoy a really, really good meal!