My internet was down for a couple of days, so no opportunity to write. Now it's back and I am very happy with it. I feel so lonely when it's not there and I have no chance to contact my friends.
Last Saturday was my birthday party and it was great! Almost everyone I invited showed up and finally for the first time everyone mingled very well. No little groups this time, everyone was talking to everyone.
Thanks to my medication I did not feel the normal stress before a party, I just did what needed to be done in the week before, like cleaning a room every day and baking something I could bake in advance. One of my best friends came over with her son a few hours earlier and I was happy she was there, did not see her for a while and even though her son was not feeling too well, he still was the cutest little guy like always. I finally could give him his birthday present, which was very late since the order I made got delayed every few weeks. He did not seem to understand that it was a CD instead of a DVD and wanted to watch the 'sinosaurussen' (Dinosaurs - I got him the CD of Sauruxet) all the time. Of course internet was down by that time so I could not even show him a little movie on Youtube.
After that some friends arrived and we went out to do the last bit of shopping with a car to get some boxes of beer. Of course in the mean time other friends arrived and could not get in because the doorbel does not work. Luckily we all have phones and I called one of my friends already at my home to open the door. Another little kid in my home, a three months old little girl who I adore came to visit me and for the next half hour I was holding her and talking funny. Little babies do that to me, I admit. She is such a sweetie and I could not let her go. Unfortunately she had to leave soon since it was bed time but at least I got to hold her for a while and drool over her.
About that time I could finally manage to sneak into my bedroom to change into my party dress, a short black dress made out of lace with a nice open back, and put on some make up. After that it was time to really get the party going and bring all the booze to the table. I had rum bowl, liquor 43, bayleys, salmiakki, vodka, red wine and beer and I think most of it got emptied. There's a little salmiakki left which I will mix with the Bayleys later and have a little party with my friend as soon as I handed in my research protocol on Friday.
I've been working almost every day now on the corrections of my research protocol and on Friday it has to be done. I am not sure if I'll make it but I am proud I managed to work on it for so many times already. I notice when I need to stop because then my mind wanders off and my concentration is gone, but yesterday I worked on it for an hour so it is getting better.
Today I have therapy in the late afternoon. I am sad my Tuesday appointment is gone because I like to have it early in the week, but they changed something in the schedule and since I have no work or anything I think I should not whine about it and just go whenever I can. Before that I will try to work on my thesis again but first it is time for some yoga.
Yesterday I did Pilates for the first time again since weeks and my abdominal muscles are very sore right now. At least I know I did something, right? Today I need to stretch a bit again because I noticed I am getting less flexible and I don't want to lose the flexibility I have right now. You never know when you might need it. And now: yoga time!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Party Preparations And Thesis Stress
On Tuesday I had my birthday. I got so many messages on Facebook from my friends, it was heart warming. I even got a message from the guy I really like so butterflies were all over the place. I wonder if he knows how much that meant to me.
Most of the day pretty much sucked because I had an appointment with my mentor about my thesis and of course I was nervous like always. She read everything I wrote so far and had some corrections. Some of them are really big so I started panicking immediately and I hope I can manage to finish everything before next week on Friday because that's when I have to hand it in. I try to do something every day, started yesterday already with working on it and stopped as soon as my brain did not process anything anymore. I managed to do something though and I hope today I can do something more.
After the meeting I went into the city to buy some ingredients to this happy shake a friend of mine told me about. It helps when you're not feeling good, makes you feel happier he said so I will try it out. So far I noticed at least it helps me for getting all my necessary vitamins. If it will make me happier I am not sure but it's healthy so why not try it?
My parents came over to the city to have dinner with me at my favorite restaurant and that was the best part of the day because I could forget about all the worries I had during the day. The dinner was delicious as always and we decided to do this every year from now on.
Yesterday I went shopping with my mom for some food and drinks for the party on Saturday. Really sweet of her to drive me there and help me. For party-shopping you really need a car, that's for sure. I started making some salmiakki in the evening and this morning I noticed most of the licorice has been solved already, so that will be done in time. Today I will start baking brownies and cheesecake already and of course will work on my thesis.
So that's about it for today I guess. I will try to do as much as I can without freaking out and try to also get some rest in between. I really noticed I did not rest enough the last few weeks and I still need it. So I will think of my old therapy-sessions and take rest in between each activity from now on.
Most of the day pretty much sucked because I had an appointment with my mentor about my thesis and of course I was nervous like always. She read everything I wrote so far and had some corrections. Some of them are really big so I started panicking immediately and I hope I can manage to finish everything before next week on Friday because that's when I have to hand it in. I try to do something every day, started yesterday already with working on it and stopped as soon as my brain did not process anything anymore. I managed to do something though and I hope today I can do something more.
After the meeting I went into the city to buy some ingredients to this happy shake a friend of mine told me about. It helps when you're not feeling good, makes you feel happier he said so I will try it out. So far I noticed at least it helps me for getting all my necessary vitamins. If it will make me happier I am not sure but it's healthy so why not try it?
My parents came over to the city to have dinner with me at my favorite restaurant and that was the best part of the day because I could forget about all the worries I had during the day. The dinner was delicious as always and we decided to do this every year from now on.
Yesterday I went shopping with my mom for some food and drinks for the party on Saturday. Really sweet of her to drive me there and help me. For party-shopping you really need a car, that's for sure. I started making some salmiakki in the evening and this morning I noticed most of the licorice has been solved already, so that will be done in time. Today I will start baking brownies and cheesecake already and of course will work on my thesis.
So that's about it for today I guess. I will try to do as much as I can without freaking out and try to also get some rest in between. I really noticed I did not rest enough the last few weeks and I still need it. So I will think of my old therapy-sessions and take rest in between each activity from now on.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Thoughts On The New Year
That was a crappy night...Woke up this morning around 9.30 am and I feel so dizzy, probably because of lack of sleep. I know, however, that sleeping longer is no use as I have trouble falling asleep and it is better to maybe sleep for half an hour later this afternoon or go to bed early tonight.
There were so many things I wanted to do today but with how I am feeling right now it will probably not work out. Getting up from my couch is already a struggle. I will still try to do something and one thing I am proud of is that I opened my university e-mail for the first time since the beginning of November. I got three e-mails from my mentor and all she keeps asking is how I am doing, if everything is alright. It warms my heart she is asking that and I know she wants me to be better and wants to help me, but at the moment I really cannot do anything. Even concentrating on my mindfulness exercises is so difficult, it is just not going well. I know the holidays did me good in a way, to be away from everything and most of all the worries, but getting back home they hit me even harder, all the responsibilities I have, all the worries I left behind. They came back twice as hard.
So I decided this month will be all about me and my studies, and coping with the things I did ignore for such a long time. I will be working on myself and try to leave all the love-related things for a while. I know I will not succeed because this one cutie will be in my head all the time anyway but I won't get to see him before end of January so I have enough time to focus on other things. And maybe in the mean time have some fun with friends as well. But no throwing myself in a new relationship. Nope, this time I will go into the new year single and I will not worry about staying alone forever because I know there is someone out there for me and I just have to be patient. Maybe I already found him/her and I just don't know it. No worries, the next year will be my year! The year in which I will be healthy again and happy with who I am and the year in which I will get my Master's degree and hopefully move to Finland to live happily ever after!
There were so many things I wanted to do today but with how I am feeling right now it will probably not work out. Getting up from my couch is already a struggle. I will still try to do something and one thing I am proud of is that I opened my university e-mail for the first time since the beginning of November. I got three e-mails from my mentor and all she keeps asking is how I am doing, if everything is alright. It warms my heart she is asking that and I know she wants me to be better and wants to help me, but at the moment I really cannot do anything. Even concentrating on my mindfulness exercises is so difficult, it is just not going well. I know the holidays did me good in a way, to be away from everything and most of all the worries, but getting back home they hit me even harder, all the responsibilities I have, all the worries I left behind. They came back twice as hard.
So I decided this month will be all about me and my studies, and coping with the things I did ignore for such a long time. I will be working on myself and try to leave all the love-related things for a while. I know I will not succeed because this one cutie will be in my head all the time anyway but I won't get to see him before end of January so I have enough time to focus on other things. And maybe in the mean time have some fun with friends as well. But no throwing myself in a new relationship. Nope, this time I will go into the new year single and I will not worry about staying alone forever because I know there is someone out there for me and I just have to be patient. Maybe I already found him/her and I just don't know it. No worries, the next year will be my year! The year in which I will be healthy again and happy with who I am and the year in which I will get my Master's degree and hopefully move to Finland to live happily ever after!
Insomnia/Butterflies
I am waiting to fall asleep for 1,5 hours now, tried my meditation exercises but nothing seems to work. I am worrying too much I guess...On the bright side, I had a short chat with a very cute guy. And hopefully that will make me fall asleep a lot easier now since he was one of the topics of my worries.
I sort of told him today I couldn't get him out of my head and he did not really react to that except for with a joke. So that seemed to be it and it made me quite sad (and really where are my tears when I need them!!).
Fortunately he replied again just before and told me he was busy working as well, so this might be the reason for being short. So there is hope. Even if it is only a tiny bit.
I really wonder what I did get myself into, I mean, he is about 7 years younger than I am...am I insane?!? But I can't stop thinking about him, his sweet smile and his sweet kisses. Plus, he is one of those healthier guys, at least he seems to be. No smoking, (I think) moderate drinking, I like that.
He lives quite far away but since I will probably move anyway that should not be a problem for too long. We will hopefully meet again next year in January and we'll see if it clicks again or not. For now, I have too many butterflies in my stomach to care about logistics...
I sort of told him today I couldn't get him out of my head and he did not really react to that except for with a joke. So that seemed to be it and it made me quite sad (and really where are my tears when I need them!!).
Fortunately he replied again just before and told me he was busy working as well, so this might be the reason for being short. So there is hope. Even if it is only a tiny bit.
I really wonder what I did get myself into, I mean, he is about 7 years younger than I am...am I insane?!? But I can't stop thinking about him, his sweet smile and his sweet kisses. Plus, he is one of those healthier guys, at least he seems to be. No smoking, (I think) moderate drinking, I like that.
He lives quite far away but since I will probably move anyway that should not be a problem for too long. We will hopefully meet again next year in January and we'll see if it clicks again or not. For now, I have too many butterflies in my stomach to care about logistics...
Sunday, December 2, 2012
The Fear
I know I should update about all my traveling but I am too lazy at the moment. So many thoughts are in my head and so many things happened that I don't know what I should write. Some things are better left unsaid. I can say however that my trip to Austria was great. And the last day in Munich was amazing. It left me very confused though. I thought I knew what I wanted in life but now I am not so sure anymore. One thing is clear: I want to leave the Netherlands and move to Finland. I am not sure when it will happen but it will.
Now that I am back home I am supposed to study again but I get almost-panic attacks everytime I think about it. My medication prevents me from getting worse but I can just think of all the things I need to finish and I want to cry because I know I cannot do it right now. Of course crying is not possible either because of the medication, at least not really. Before it felt good to not be on edge the whole day and the whole week but now I would love sometimes to have a really good cry and get it out of my system. All these intense feelings I don't have make me feel worthless. The only things I feel quite strongly still are the fears I am still having. It has been too long since I last checked my university e-mail account. I was so proud last time when I opened it without being afraid of what I would find in there. Now I am postponing it and not answering my phone when I know it is my mentor calling me. I don't know how to get over this. I hope my therapist can shed some light on it. Thinking about how bad it could be (and it probably is not) does not help me at all. I am so stuck in this fear that I can't get myself to do anything useful.
I need to start planning my birthday party, it will be next Saturday and I have too many things to do, but even that I cannot get myself to do. I was just dancing on Born this way from Lady Gaga and decided to clean the kitchen. I needed to sit down because I felt so bad. And decided it was the best thing for now to just write it down. I hope after I've written all this I can go and really do something. So much needs to be done and I don't want it to be left until the last day and get all stressy about it again like every year. So I think I need to start writing things down that I need to do and then do them and cross 'em off the list again. Time to start doing stuff!!!
Now that I am back home I am supposed to study again but I get almost-panic attacks everytime I think about it. My medication prevents me from getting worse but I can just think of all the things I need to finish and I want to cry because I know I cannot do it right now. Of course crying is not possible either because of the medication, at least not really. Before it felt good to not be on edge the whole day and the whole week but now I would love sometimes to have a really good cry and get it out of my system. All these intense feelings I don't have make me feel worthless. The only things I feel quite strongly still are the fears I am still having. It has been too long since I last checked my university e-mail account. I was so proud last time when I opened it without being afraid of what I would find in there. Now I am postponing it and not answering my phone when I know it is my mentor calling me. I don't know how to get over this. I hope my therapist can shed some light on it. Thinking about how bad it could be (and it probably is not) does not help me at all. I am so stuck in this fear that I can't get myself to do anything useful.
I need to start planning my birthday party, it will be next Saturday and I have too many things to do, but even that I cannot get myself to do. I was just dancing on Born this way from Lady Gaga and decided to clean the kitchen. I needed to sit down because I felt so bad. And decided it was the best thing for now to just write it down. I hope after I've written all this I can go and really do something. So much needs to be done and I don't want it to be left until the last day and get all stressy about it again like every year. So I think I need to start writing things down that I need to do and then do them and cross 'em off the list again. Time to start doing stuff!!!
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