Proud!

Today it is therapy day again. I'm in the train on my way to Maastricht Randwyck and I think today will be a good session. I am proud of what I accomplished these last weeks. Even if there is still a lot I could have done better (this little devil on my shoulder is always pointing out what I do wrong). I am sad that I have to mention my protocol is still not sent in because I need another approval if the chief of the department of rehabilitation in the hospital. If he does not answer soon I'll send in my protocol though, just can't wait forever.

The thesis-writing is coming along nicely, I am satisfied with what I did so far and although there is a lot more work to do, I am on the right track right now. I hope I can keep it up!

As far as my creativity goes, I just took some pics of some clothes I recently finished. One is the neon yellow skirt, the neon is kind of hard to see with the wrong lighting though. The other one is a zebra dress with neon orange bows.

I also finally managed to finish the first sock I ever knitted, so of course I need to add a pic of that too!

On Tuesday I couldn't resist any longer and so I sent not-my-Finn a message. He did not check his email yet but I hope he will soon and most of all I hope he answers. I miss him so much. The last two nights I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking of him. I am such an idiot.

I Can Do It!

Yeah! Yesterday I worked hard on my research protocol again, just to do the finishing touch. All lay out stuff is now done, spelling check is done, I read the website of the medical ethical committee and e-mailed one of the people who work there to ask if there was anything else I needed to hand it except for the actual protocol and letters, patient information (all the stuff I wrote). Did not get an answer yet, but as soon as I know it's all complete I will send it in after letting my mentor sign all the stuff. I have to send it by snailmail anyway so it is easier to go to Maastricht for that instead, will be faster to bring it to her, let it sign and then bring it to the METC.

So today I had sort of a day off since all is done for now (well, I have to actually start writing my thesis but I thought I could have a day off before I start that). I walked to the building where they drew my blood for the tests they are going to do to see if my muscle tiredness has something to do with missing minerals/vitamins. I can call them in five working days for the answer, so that will be next Wednesday. I am curious if anything will show up.

The walk was nice, snow everywhere and the sun was shining very brightly. I wished I brought my sunglasses but in the end it was just nice to feel the sun on my skin. It is very cold though, the coldest it has ever been in March apparently. Very cold for Dutch people at least, it's of course nothing compared to Finnish cold.

Back home I finished the back part of my sister's sweater and continued with the sleeves. Getting closer to the end now and I am happy about it, I want to try something new with the socks and this is just really boring to knit. I really hope she likes it though!

Yesterday in the afternoon I continued working on my neon yellow summer skirt (it's covered with black lace, don't worry) and I am glad to say it is also almost done. I had some inspiration for my Lizzy Borden shirt so I would love it if I can go and work on that one soon. Which reminds me I have to go to the market place tomorrow to buy some red stretchy fabric and not forget to also buy some metal rings for the skirt. The skirt only needs to be decorated a bit now, still quite a lot of work but the end is in sight.

Still no news from not-my-Finn and I want to write him, but I decided that I will wait until I sent in the protocol because that is really something to tell and something I am proud of when it happens, so I want to share it with him. He has been quite supportive with my studies so he'd probably like to hear how it is going. I am really wondering what he is doing now. Still working on the album or working on the video clip maybe. I remember him telling me he was checking out video clips from many artists to get some ideas and get inspired for their videoclip. I wonder which song will be the chosen one for the first single.

I've been downloading old sci-fi and fantasy movies lately and watched The Dark Crystal yesterday and today Flash Gordon. Both fun to watch. I also watched some really old Rutger Hauer movies and I especially liked him in Turks Fruit (Turkish Delight). He is acting very well in that one I think. Also saw Spetters and Soldaat van Oranje (Soldier of Orange). Still the one that impressed me most is Turks Fruit, just because of his character in there and how he matches with the girl, they really seemed to be so in love. I remember wishing I had a great love like that, it lifts you up and makes you forget all your responsibilities (not always good) and nothing in the world can get you down.

After I've gone to the market tomorrow I will have to look into the mirror again and tell myself I can do it. It really worked wonders and I need to start writing my thesis because I want to go to Finland so badly. I need to finish this thesis as fast as I can so I can hopefully spend the summer there. Getting kind of late already. I think it is time for me to go watch some bad tv show in bed and go to sleep early.

Happy Birthday!

One of my good friends celebrates her birthday today and since she reads my blog sometimes, I want to surprise her with a birthday wish. So, if you read this: happy birthday and I hope you have a wonderful day! We'll meet again soon, can't wait!

Yesterday I told myself: tomorrow will be the day. And it was! I told myself when I got up that I could do it. I kept repeating it to myself, stared at myself in the mirror and said it a few times more in Dutch, in English and my own dialect Limburgs. Somehow I still feel like I am always living in a dreamworld and I couldn't really see myself being completely sincere saying it, but then again I don't know how sincere I normally look...I just never feel like I am completely alive. Nothing feels real. Well, except for the pain when I think of not-my-Finn and how I miss him. And when we were together I finally felt completely alive and feeling again. Wonderful how a person can do that to you. Even if love is unanswered, it can still be something very special that you think of with happiness. And melancholy...those days in Helsinki were so full of good moments, good talks about things we think are important in life. I loved that he confided in me so much, although I knew he was still holding back and just lifted a tip of the veil on the last evening. I wonder what happened to him. I know so little and I just wish I could hold him, comfort him and tell him all will be alright and it won't stay like this forever. But maybe he likes it like this, because it is safer not to experience emotions. Still I have a bit of a brake on my emotions because of my meds and I am really looking forward to the day when I am finally done with them, when I can finally experience emotions to the fullest again and enjoy things so much better. For now, working on my university stuff, I think the meds are better, because I know I would have panic attacks every night again. But I can't wait to really feel again!

Speaking of dreaming, I had the most amazing sci-fi dream about a week ago. I can barely remember what happened, but it had something to do with the world being so completely polluted that people were sent to another world. This other world we reached through being beamed up through some narrow tube with flashy lights surrounding it. I remember that I was there with some good friends and my parents and that we had to try to get on the same beam or close to each other in time, I didn't know why, but it was kind of stressy. So I got beamed up with one of my Finnish friends, more I don't remember. We stayed on this other plate or world for a few months/years? I don't know exactly but it wasn't that long.
When we got beamed (or shot, haha, reversed beam) back, the world was completely healed again and we could start living anew there. Back with my friends and family on the same planet, all apparently survived the travels. Oh and the funny thing was, when we got back on planet Earth, I discovered that many, many more years had gone by. Apparently we were in a place where time went by differently and so it was over 120 years later (someone told me in my dream, but thinking of it, it must have been many more hundreds of years of course). When I woke up, I realized that this was the reason why we had to try and get on the same beam, because of the difference in how time went by. It could have been that we would have arrived in a completely different time, and mostly when traveling back, we could have been years apart from one another if there was even an hour between the travel back. Oh my, I am really overthinking this...

Last night I dreamt about spending a few days and nights with the band on some sort of camp (we stayed in a building though). Don't remember much, just little flashes and that the drummer was so nice to me. I don't recall seeing much of the singer though, where the hell was she??? I remember that I shared a mattress with not-my-Finn and this overwhelming feeling of being safe with him. And he was gone a lot but his band mates were very nice to me. Yeah, keep on dreaming lady, stuff like this does not really happen. Most of the times at least. And since I already was lucky once, I guess there's nothing in there anymore for me.

Back to today! After telling myself so many times that I can do it, I started working on my research protocol and just worked on every little detail, even too many spaces between the words and stuff like that. I worked really hard, gave myself a break after an hour to have some breakfast and relax a little. Then worked on in the afternoon and almost finished everything. Now all I need to do is send everything to my pc upstairs so I can change the files back to Word-documents and see if the layout is still intact, change it where it needs adjustments. Then write the accompanying letter to send it in. And then write to my mentor who's probably back from where she went to for the last two weeks. I need her autograph and one from the head of the department of rehabilitation, since he is the sponsor. That will be everything. And print everything of course...probably more to think of tomorrow but this is the stuff that is most important. I want everything to be (almost) perfect so it won't come back to me because it is incomplete.

One more thing I forgot: my sister had her birthday, and I sent her a text at 12 to congratulate her, even added some Finnish there haha. In the evening I received a text which sounded a bit weird, asking me if I was still away from home (yes, on Thursday I was away but it was only for a day). So I answered I wish I was away, referring to Helsinki of course. She then called me, crying. The day had started out pretty nice, but then she got into a fight again with her boyfriend and now he left her all alone on her birthday and was busy hiding away in the attic. She was so sad and crying and I felt so bad for not being able to just come I Ed and hug her or drag her out of the home to celebrate and distract her. So I tried with little jokes and trying to make her see that she is better off without him. She knows, she is just not ready. This mental abuse has been going on for years. He always blames her for everything, although she is the sweetest girl. She gets more and more insecure and too afraid to kick him out of her home, because she fears she will never find another guy and she will stay alone forever. I told her it's easy to find a new guy, there are plenty. But she still loves him, even though he hurts her more than she is happy with him. He always tells her she has to change because he cannot stand her like she is and she is doing everything wrong, making mistakes all the time and annoying him. I just cannot believe how she can take this for so many years. But I guess that is always the case with mental (or psychological?) abuse. People think they're not worth it and the person a using them is some sort of god. Well at least she doesn't think he does nothing wrong. In fact, I think she is finally getting there, slowly. She finally starts to realize things won't change and things won't get better. I just hope she won't get hurt so much anymore, and won't be permanently damaged by her boyfriend's behavior.

So, time for me to go to sleep. I only slept 7 hours last night, which is really not enough lately, but somehow I couldn't really fall asleep that easy. Then it started nagging me that I wanted to write something and now it's almost an hour later...Goooood Niiiiiight!

Missing Someone

Gosh, I miss him. The guy who is not my guy. I wonder if it will ever work out. I started remembering more of the conversations we had and I cannot shake the images of him looking at me, and of his perfectness. Of course he is not perfect. It is just my pink glasses of love, but I know he would be perfect for me, so kind, so gentle and well-mannered. As a kind of tribute or whatever you might call it, I downloaded (shame on me!) a few bad sci-fi/fantasy movies from the eighties and I'm kind of curious about them. Most of them I heard of but never watched. I just wish we could discover them all together.

So the last few days I have been sleeping a lot, still terribly tired. Yesterday I fell asleep by mistake, actually I wanted to just rest for a few minutes, because my therapist had advised me to do so instead of sleeping so much (I always feel crappy after falling asleep during the day). The resting turned into 3,5 hours of sleeping. Luckily I was apparently so tired I could still sleep very well during the night.

Apart from sleeping I have been wanting to finish my work for the research protocol since I finally can, but somehow I cannot get myself to actually do it. I feel so tired all the time I cannot get myself to do anything useful. I did do a lot of knitting since I wanted to make a nice sweater for my sister's birthday. It's not finished yet, but since I won't see her today, on her actual birthday, there's no harm done.

I also found a knitting pattern for socks online so I decided to give those a try as well. And I am still halfway through knitting a hat for my friend. So lots of projects I cannot seem to get finished.

At sewing class I worked on a summer skirt and a summer top. The top is done, except for the part I need to do in class since I cannot do this at home with my sewing machine. But that will only take a few minutes. The summer skirt I've been wanting to make for a year now and last time I was about to finish the waistband, the zipper broke and I had to start all over again with that part. So this Friday in class I bought a new zipper and I can soon start working on that one. If only my body did not feel so tired so that I could sit up without feeling like I just walked a marathon.

I went to the doctor on Friday morning, since my therapist adviced me to go and ask her about my muscles feeling so tired all the time. She thought I might be having too low levels of natrium, or maybe something with vitamin B12. The rest of the options I forgot but I tomorrow I can go to check my blood. I hope there's nothing wrong, that it is just a side-effect of the medication like my doctor suggested. She said there's nothing written about side-effects with muscle tiredness, but it could be some sort of muscle soreness, like I worked out too hard or something (from the medication, not from actually working out too hard).

I asked my doctor to also check out my right breast since there's been this annoying part in there that is a bit harder. It doesn't feel like anything bad, but I just wanted to make sure, since I had some things wrong with my breasts years ago. So she checked them out and all was okay she said. So that's a relief. Although I was almost sure it was okay, you always have this little voice inside your head telling you it might be wrong.

Now, I hope next week will be my week of happiness, in which I won't be tired anymore and I can work on my protocol and finish it (please tomorrow already!). And then I can finally start with the official thesis. Somehow I've been wanting to start on that one already for a while, in my head it seems like such a simple thing to write after all the difficult and precise work on the protocol. Probably there will be a lot of trouble with writing the thesis as well, but at least I am optimistic about it for now. NOW FINISH THE DAMN PROTOCOL YOU IDIOT!!!

Summer Outfits

Once more it's been too long. I've been so tired lately, I did not feel like doing anything. However, this week we had three days of spring-like weather and it made me feel much better!

I am currently working on lots of outfits at the same time. Making a summer top, a summer skirt and still hoping to make the bikini I started on last year.

Last week I started working on a dress I had in my mind for years. It turned out a bit different than I had planned, but it sure looks nice! The pic is the way I start with al my projects: first draw each part on paper to make sure it fits. It is so much easier to measure everything on paper than on fabric, especially the jersey fabric since it is so stretchy.

For my summer outfits I decided to stick with ideas I had since last year. I bought lots of neon fabric last year and I want to add little hints of the fabric in my outfits. It should not be too flashy, just nice little details in neon.

I should really start taking pictures of all the things I made, it's been too long and I am only posting little hints all the time and forget to show the finished clothes.

As far as my romantic life goes: nothing really happens. I got two mails after the sweet text messages. The first one was really sweet, telling me he thought about me everytime he opens the Dutch learning book (please open that book every minute of the day!). The second one was not f en answering my question...could be he is just too busy, as far as I can tell he has almost no spare time so when he does he should be sleeping (or reading my book). It hurts though, but I knew already since he told me he had no time for a relationship and also is not that into me...Still I am hoping for a miracle. I so like him. And oh my gosh, the promo pics that were released yesterday! He looks so handsome, I have been drooling over them all day. I am such a sad person. Get a life!

I also got some news (finally!) from the ballet school I have been waiting for to reply me since before Christmas. They are sorry but they don't want to be involved in my study. Really, would it have been so hard to answer me the first time I asked??? Oh well, now I can finally move on and finish all details to send the protocol in for reviewing. And of course I am this slow person who did not do all the little details before so I still need to do them...

Back Home And Already Homesick

I have been wondering whether I should write some things or not. After all, they are personal and not only to me but also to others. On the other hand, I need to vent a bit.

I have been back home since Monday evening. I cried on the planes (I had a stop in Stockholm) and I really wanted to just book a flight back immediately, but at a certain point there's been enough traveling and I need to get back to my studies, even though I barely can do anything right now.

So I left my blog with the day I was going to see my friend perform at a bar. She was really sweet to put me on the guestlist with +3. Of course I brought three friends. We all met and had some nice talks before the show. Drinks were awfully expensive there so we poor girls all sipped really slowly on our ciders and the only friend with a job kept getting more drinks for himself. I am glad at least one of us could afford it over there. When they started playing I got chills, the song selection was great and she did so well! There was a short break in between and after that they did some more Finnish songs. Although I didn't know those, most of the audience did and they were dancing and singing along. It was a great performance and I liked this little bar because it gives it a more romantic and cosy feeling. After the performance me and my friend went back to her home, both very tired again. She even told me she was afraid my Dutchness was rubbing off on her. Well, I am not a typical Dutch person, but yeah apparently me being tired made her sleepy as well. We thought at least.

Next morning we found out it was really more because she was getting sick. Her throat hurt and it got even worse the next days. When I left her on Wednesday she barely could talk because her throat was so swollen and hurting.

On Sunday we didn't do that much, just hung out at her place a bit and talked. We went shopping for some food and I made us some salads so we had some vitamins to eat. I really was craving for fruit and vegetables by that time. Luckily, my salads were a succes because my friend really liked them. I made simple ones she can make herself as well now that I am gone. I noticed she does never really cook because she doesn't know how to and because she thinks it is an awful lot of work, so I secretly decided to teach her a bit while I was there, hoping she would maybe try them for herself later.

On Monday we went sightseeing. She took me to a church where this artist did all the art inside. Beautiful paintings everywhere and also some really beautiful stained glass artwork. I took lots of pictures. Too bad we could not visit a famous painting from closer by. It was something like the wounded angel, I am not sure about the title but it was something similar.

After that we took the bus to a place a bit outside of the city center to visit a tower. You can stand on top and see over whole Tampere. The ride towards this tower was already great, we saw so many beautiful houses and the view with all the trees covered in snow was amazing. We got out of the bus and walked for a bit, I took lots of pics again of all the snowy views. In the tower we went upstairs first and discovered we both have fear of heights but we still wanted to stare down and see all the beauty. It was a bit foggy but that made the view even more spectacular to me.

Once downstairs, we went to have some water and bought a donut there because they were supposed to have the best donuts of Finland there. Of course I don't know about that, since I did not try donuts anywhere else, but it was delicious! Some special spices were added that made it different from any other donut I ever had.

That day I promised to cook for my friend and one of her friends. I decided to go for another salad and enchiladas. It was quite a lot of work, mostly cutting all the chicken, but it was worth it because I think they really enjoyed it. I just feel like a mom sometimes. I mean, they are both quite a bit younger and I feel the need to take care of them, making sure they eat healthy enough with lots of vitamins.

On Tuesday my friend was getting sicker and we stayed in most of the day, except for when we got out for some food. We had some tea and just talked a bit, but since her throat hurt so much we mostly were just silent. No boredom though, just a relaxed and quiet day.

Wednesday was the day I was going back to Helsinki. Although I knew I would miss my friend here in Tampere, I was also really missing 'my guy' and so I was somehow happy to travel back. The evening before I managed to find a really cheap deal in a normally expensive hotel. Back in Helsinki I walked to the hotel, checked in and relaxed a bit. Since I was tired all the time I fell asleep. I knew my Finn would be late anyway, so no worrying about that.

In the afternoon I walked a bit through the city and checked restaurants and their closing times. Hardrock Café seemed to be open until 12 so that would be a good option. As we found out later, it only meant that the bar was open until that time, kitchen was closing at 10pm. Luckily we weren't extremely late, so we got to order a complete meal with a nice cocktail. As he told me, this was his gift to me because it would be Valentine's Day tomorrow. He said he doesn't do Valentine's Day so that's good to know. Why are guys always so unromantic?

But anyway, unromantic or not, it was sweet of him to do this for me. We had a really nice talk again and almost got looked away by the waiters cleaning up tables next to us. This was getting too familiar. Almost every time we went for dinner it had to be in a hurry for some reason. Once we had to catch the movie and all the other times the restaurant was closing up. Oh well, even with this we still managed to have great conversations. I cannot remember what we did that evening, if we went straight to bed or watched something, but I guess it doesn't really matter that much. I just know I had a great time with him again.

Next day was the real Valentine's Day. We had breakfast together, another nice moment and good talks and then he was off to work. I walked through the city for a bit that day. I really enjoyed all the walks there. I did not feel alone at all, just enjoyed the fresh air and quiet. I also wanted to find a little something as a Valentine's gift, but what I tried to find wasn't anywhere to be found. I wanted to get a copy of Tad Williams' Otherland - City of Golden Shadow. It's the first book of a series of four and it's a really good fantasy/sci-fi series. I enjoyed reading it when I was about 16 years old. In the end I decided that the hat I was knitting was maybe a more suitable gift since it didn't really cost me that much but I still took quite a while to make it, so it was more of a personal gift. I went back to the hotelroom and finished the hat in time for that evening.

Again I got offered a Valentine's Dinner, which is sweet, considering he doesn't do Valentine's Day and I had gotten offered a dinner the night before already. But well, I already knew he was a real gentleman. He seemed to be pleased with my hat and wore it that day outside. I am glad it fit him! We went to a Thai restaurant where we had been before, called Tamarin. We decided on this day we would eat a bit more healthy food, and so we did. They add lots of vegetables to the food and they are still very fresh, not at all overcooked. Afterwards we headed towards the supermarket and bought some fruit (and some tiny cake for him, he is a real sweettooth).

At the hotelroom we watched some really geeky things, I loved it! We watched some really old kids tv series with dinosaurs in it, called Dinosaucers. It still makes me smile, this name. Who ever came up with this name was a genius. Then we watched the rest of 'Labyrinth', the movie we last time started. I still love that movie, although a bit of the magic is gone when you're not a child anymore. We also watched part of a Rutger Hauer movie called 'Flesh and Blood'. We both saw it before but unfortunately we got too tired to completely finish it. I really need to find that one, I want to see it again.

Another nice breakfast together and gone he was again for work. I took my normal walk through the city, and went somewhere I had not been before. It took me about 2,5 to 3 hours but I am glad I got to find this part. Apparently I walked past the previous home of my guy without knowing. Funny that on that evening we ended up going to that same area to have dinner. It was a great Italian restaurant and it bothers me I cannot remember the name. I guess I will be going there again someday though, to have some tasty lasagne.

I ordered risotto and it was really nice, but as soon as I got a bite from my Finn's lasagne I regretted not ordering that. He told me it was great and it really was. I decided next time I will have that. Next day we went there again, and somehow I was more in the mood for pizza, so instead of ordering the obvious amazing choice, I went for pizza. It was good, but I am still thinking I should have ordered the lasagne. Next time. And then for real!

On Friday he had to go home, so instead of waking up every five minutes I had a good night's sleep. I went to breakfast alone and it did not feel as weird and lonely as I would have thought. That day he said he would be done at work early, and as I was still tired, even after a long night, I went back to sleep again. As I wrote before, we went back to the Italian place again, but before that, he took me to a place he had been talking about before already. It was a cake-restaurant or shop, whatever you call it. You could order a cake-buffet and then you could have as many cakes as you wanted. I had a nice chocolate-cassis one, and a lemon-lime cake. They were very good. We ordered tea with it and enjoyed all the nice tastes. In the next round I tried some vanilla-berries, which was a bit of a disappointment because the berries were a bit bitter. I can't remember what kind of berries they were. I also had lemon-merengue, a very good combination, and my favorite: buckthorn-white chocolate. The best ever! Sour combined with sweet, always good. We wanted to go for another round and tea, but of course the shop wanted to close at that time and so we were left a bit unsatisfied. Oh well, at least there was still room for that delicious pizza! In the next booth there was also a Dutch girl sitting with a Finn, we said this cannot be coincidence, but what it was a sign for never became clear.

Back at the hotel we watched Fraggle Rock, a tvshow from when I was a kid. He never heard of it but seemed to enjoy it because it was so happy and the songs were simple but funny. After checking all the movies he brough, we decided on Red Planet, a sci-fi movie, and I am glad I got to see it, it was very good. I thought now it was time to sleep, but we also started watching The Hitcher and finished it. Quite a scary movie. I am sure I will never pick up a hitch hiker ever! 

I remember at one point in the middle of the night I woke up and he held my hand and kissed it. I think it was the most romantic thing someone ever did to me. I enjoy it anyway to sleep next to him and hold his hand. It is very different from sleeping in each others arms but much more comfortable because you don't wake up from someone moving a bit, and your arm doesn't fall asleep. I do like to cuddle up in his arms in the morning though. I am just a sucker for romance I guess.

That Sunday was my last day in Finland. I still did not book my flight home and I decided this was the time to do it. I went for my daily walk and as I had to do get some gifts I went souvenir shopping. I got some nice Moomin gifts and lots of salmiakki-chocolate bars and I hope my friends are happy with them. I know it is not much but it is hard to come up with something affordable and something that fits in the already full suitcase. My guy said he would be working only half of the day so I expected him between four and five. Just enough time to get him some going away present (yeah I am the girl who likes to give lots of presents) and something I had been thinking about before I found in one of the last stores I checked out. It is really hopeless to find a Finnish-Dutch learning book in Finland. People are apparently not interested in learning Dutch over there. Luckily I knew this guy was at least a but intrigued. I wrote him a letter as well, saying he stole my heart (as if that was not clear already) and how I appreciated his company these last weeks. 

As time passed by that day, I did not hear from him. At a certain point I figured he would not show up anymore because he knew I was leaving anyway. Time never went so slow. Around 8pm he called me, saying he could stay longer at work that day, that no one else needed the studio so that's why he'd stayed longer. Would have been nice if he had told me that a few hours earlier...He would be at the room in about twenty minutes. I freshened up and waited. And waited. It was 1,5 hours later I think, when he finally arrived. No parking space in the area. This was a bad day, I could really feel this was not going to end well.

The only place probably still open for dinner would be the Italian place we went to in the first week, called Vapiano. I had bruschetta and spaghetti. Good, but unfortunately a bit cold by the time I got to it. I just ordered it wrong, so it was my own fault. I could tell he was really tired, after all we did not sleep that long the night before and he had been working non-stop.
He later told me he was all shaky. I know that feeling all too well, it's like you're in a dreamworld. Welcome to my daily life.

Back at the hotel we decided to go to sleep immediately, since it was late already and we were both tired. Well I destroyed it all with my gift. He read my letter and told me he was not that into me. I am wondering how I could have misread all the signs. The secret kiss on my hand, the sweet smiles, the staring into my eyes, taking me to dinner every day. On the other hand there were the days in Tampere when I barely heard from him, and of course not calling that he would be late. If he had thought about it, he would have known I would be worried. But apparently this is how it is. He does not want a relationship. He does not feel that for me. Or at least not that deeply. Girlie as I am, I cried. Luckily the lights were turned off already so I thought he would not notice. And again there I am confused. He did notice and cared. He hugged me and took care of me, stroked my arms, face and hair and we talked for hours about all things that are important to us and in our lives. I told him about my childhood when everybody at school hated me so much they bullied me every day until I was terrified to go to school. We talked about previous relationships, and about what we want to become in the future, about death and that we want to be remembered. You know, the important things in life. I think this was the best talk we had so far and I really got to know him a lot better. Unfortunately I also know that now I have to try and forget him. On the other hand I am not so sure if I really should. Like before there are mixed signals.

The next morning I woke up feeling really bad. Of course, I just got told I am not that person to him that he is to me. He asked how I was doing and even those kind of questions make me cry already. I wonder what he did to me. I remember very well I did not cry for a very long time and it was like nothing could touch me so deeply. But apparently he does. He is that special to me. He held me in his arms again and before I knew it I was looking into his beautiful eyes and drowning again. His sweet kisses, his soft touch, I just cannot resist. And he can't either, obviously. We missed breakfast and I started packing my things. We left the room just in time and he took me to an organic store where they made special smoothies. I can only remember the name of mine: Sports Lady, don't know what was in it. It tasted very fresh and healthy though. He also promised to bring me to the airport and he did. Still the gentleman! He even carried my suitcase, which I really did not like since I know how heavy it was. It embarrassed me. But it was a sweet offer. He went with me through check-in and finally left me at the security check. I got to hug him for one last time and to kiss him for one more time. I hate goodbyes. He told me he would write me. He asked when I was going to be back home.

I had a stop in Stockholm so it took most of the day to travel. My parents waited for me as soon as I came through customs and they took me for something to eat and then brought me home. Almost home, I got a text message from my Finn asking me how my trip was. That he would read something of the Dutch book I gave him. He told me he was thinking of me the whole day. Once more I am confused. I answered, thinking he was already asleep, but I got another message sending me hugs and kisses. Although this is really a bit cheesy, I love to get a message like that. More confused than ever...

The next day I sent him something back about my day, and he answered that evening. I answered back the next morning and that was it. I did not hear from him again. Today I cannot sleep. I went to bed really early because I felt so nauseous. I am still awake at 3am. I cried for a long time. I just don't know what to do. Send him a message because he seemed to like them before. Cut off all contact? Do I really want that? What I want is to write him how I am doing, even if that is sometimes not so well. What I am thinking about, what I am dreaming about. Like we did before. I wonder though if he would consider that annoying, like I did not get the hint, or that he would appreciate it and think otherwise I did not care for him at all if I can just drop him like that. I really don't know what to do. Go with what my heart says probably, like always.

Right now I wish I could not feel anything. No happiness but also no sadness. I wish I could just continue life and not care. I wish I could act like the single girl I am. Not being hung up on anyone, enjoying life. It all contradicts each other. My whole life is a contradiction at the moment. I cannot concentrate on anything, not even on a conversation, but I can write this for over an hour. Maybe it helps me to focus better or something. My mind wanders off all the time normally. Now it still does, but I can send it back to memories and that helps a bit.

I noticed that I feel cold again most of the times. I did not have any problems with that in Finland. My mom said it might have something to do with being relaxed and happy there. I just wish I could have kept that happiness a bit longer. I am thinking more strongly about moving there. Even if there is no guy to warm my heart, I feel so much at home there. I felt awkward walking around in the city these last days. I feel like I am being watched and judged all the time. Of course that is mostly in my head, but I did not get that feeling at all in Finland. People leave you alone. They don't look down on you. At least they do not show it. I wonder if it would be possible to make a living there. Mostly if I would move there next year with no fluent Finnish skills. Would it be possible to pull that off? I really want to try. I feel more free to do whatever I want to do over there. Over here I am expected to find a job as a physiotherapist, ballet teacher or researcher. Over there I can hopefully use more of my creative side. And that's what I would love and prefer to do. And there is still a bit of hope left in me that I will get together with my guy. I really believe he would be my perfect match, my one to make me complete. Only time can tell...

Back In Tampere

After a wonderful couple of days in Helsinki I am now back in Tampere, visiting my friends over here. I left on Thursday morning after having a nice breakfast with my Finn. He brought me to the busstation and I was so sad to see him leave.

We spent a few evenings and nights together, since he had to work during the day. That was good anyway, because I am so exhausted. We had a few nice dinners together, watched The Hobbit together in the movie theatre and had some great talks. There more I get to know him, the more him seems to suit me. He is not the typical musician with a heavy kind of lifestyle. He takes good care of himself, not drinking too much booze, not smoking and trying to eat healthy. Just my kind of guy. He really takes his work seriously and is a perfectionist and since I am too, I can completely understand him. I guess that I would always be second place though, which is not something I would choose, but hell I love to be alone so him being away touring and stuff would not be the end of the world. It also makes a relationship that much more exciting, not being together every second. I think I could manage very well. After all, I love quiet times, doing the things I love by myself and it's so much easier to meet up with friends.

The day I arrived in Tampere I got to meet some of my friends best friends. They are all nice girls and they were so sweet talking to me and each other in English most of the times. I really appreciated it, I know how hard it can be to switch languages with friends once you're used to speaking in one language. We went out for drinks to a few bars, had a blast and met up there with another friend. She fits perfectly into our little group and yesterday we went out with her again. My friend and I were very tired though, so we decided to leave earlier and just have a good night's sleep. I am still very tired though, so I guess I might take a short nap soon. I am just not used to going out so much, I rarely go out when I'm at home. I guess I am just a boring person normally, preferring to stay at home and do some sewing or watch a few shows while knitting. Must be the age difference as well, haha. Luckily my Finn is not that much of a party animal either.

Tonight we're invited to go see my friend perform at this bar. I can't wait to see her sing, because she said it would be so different from what she normally does with the band she's in. She has the perfect rock voice and I am curious to hear her sing other styles.

So, that's it for now. Lots of partying and hanging out with friends, which I love the most! Keep you posted!