Happy Birthday!

One of my good friends celebrates her birthday today and since she reads my blog sometimes, I want to surprise her with a birthday wish. So, if you read this: happy birthday and I hope you have a wonderful day! We'll meet again soon, can't wait!

Yesterday I told myself: tomorrow will be the day. And it was! I told myself when I got up that I could do it. I kept repeating it to myself, stared at myself in the mirror and said it a few times more in Dutch, in English and my own dialect Limburgs. Somehow I still feel like I am always living in a dreamworld and I couldn't really see myself being completely sincere saying it, but then again I don't know how sincere I normally look...I just never feel like I am completely alive. Nothing feels real. Well, except for the pain when I think of not-my-Finn and how I miss him. And when we were together I finally felt completely alive and feeling again. Wonderful how a person can do that to you. Even if love is unanswered, it can still be something very special that you think of with happiness. And melancholy...those days in Helsinki were so full of good moments, good talks about things we think are important in life. I loved that he confided in me so much, although I knew he was still holding back and just lifted a tip of the veil on the last evening. I wonder what happened to him. I know so little and I just wish I could hold him, comfort him and tell him all will be alright and it won't stay like this forever. But maybe he likes it like this, because it is safer not to experience emotions. Still I have a bit of a brake on my emotions because of my meds and I am really looking forward to the day when I am finally done with them, when I can finally experience emotions to the fullest again and enjoy things so much better. For now, working on my university stuff, I think the meds are better, because I know I would have panic attacks every night again. But I can't wait to really feel again!

Speaking of dreaming, I had the most amazing sci-fi dream about a week ago. I can barely remember what happened, but it had something to do with the world being so completely polluted that people were sent to another world. This other world we reached through being beamed up through some narrow tube with flashy lights surrounding it. I remember that I was there with some good friends and my parents and that we had to try to get on the same beam or close to each other in time, I didn't know why, but it was kind of stressy. So I got beamed up with one of my Finnish friends, more I don't remember. We stayed on this other plate or world for a few months/years? I don't know exactly but it wasn't that long.
When we got beamed (or shot, haha, reversed beam) back, the world was completely healed again and we could start living anew there. Back with my friends and family on the same planet, all apparently survived the travels. Oh and the funny thing was, when we got back on planet Earth, I discovered that many, many more years had gone by. Apparently we were in a place where time went by differently and so it was over 120 years later (someone told me in my dream, but thinking of it, it must have been many more hundreds of years of course). When I woke up, I realized that this was the reason why we had to try and get on the same beam, because of the difference in how time went by. It could have been that we would have arrived in a completely different time, and mostly when traveling back, we could have been years apart from one another if there was even an hour between the travel back. Oh my, I am really overthinking this...

Last night I dreamt about spending a few days and nights with the band on some sort of camp (we stayed in a building though). Don't remember much, just little flashes and that the drummer was so nice to me. I don't recall seeing much of the singer though, where the hell was she??? I remember that I shared a mattress with not-my-Finn and this overwhelming feeling of being safe with him. And he was gone a lot but his band mates were very nice to me. Yeah, keep on dreaming lady, stuff like this does not really happen. Most of the times at least. And since I already was lucky once, I guess there's nothing in there anymore for me.

Back to today! After telling myself so many times that I can do it, I started working on my research protocol and just worked on every little detail, even too many spaces between the words and stuff like that. I worked really hard, gave myself a break after an hour to have some breakfast and relax a little. Then worked on in the afternoon and almost finished everything. Now all I need to do is send everything to my pc upstairs so I can change the files back to Word-documents and see if the layout is still intact, change it where it needs adjustments. Then write the accompanying letter to send it in. And then write to my mentor who's probably back from where she went to for the last two weeks. I need her autograph and one from the head of the department of rehabilitation, since he is the sponsor. That will be everything. And print everything of course...probably more to think of tomorrow but this is the stuff that is most important. I want everything to be (almost) perfect so it won't come back to me because it is incomplete.

One more thing I forgot: my sister had her birthday, and I sent her a text at 12 to congratulate her, even added some Finnish there haha. In the evening I received a text which sounded a bit weird, asking me if I was still away from home (yes, on Thursday I was away but it was only for a day). So I answered I wish I was away, referring to Helsinki of course. She then called me, crying. The day had started out pretty nice, but then she got into a fight again with her boyfriend and now he left her all alone on her birthday and was busy hiding away in the attic. She was so sad and crying and I felt so bad for not being able to just come I Ed and hug her or drag her out of the home to celebrate and distract her. So I tried with little jokes and trying to make her see that she is better off without him. She knows, she is just not ready. This mental abuse has been going on for years. He always blames her for everything, although she is the sweetest girl. She gets more and more insecure and too afraid to kick him out of her home, because she fears she will never find another guy and she will stay alone forever. I told her it's easy to find a new guy, there are plenty. But she still loves him, even though he hurts her more than she is happy with him. He always tells her she has to change because he cannot stand her like she is and she is doing everything wrong, making mistakes all the time and annoying him. I just cannot believe how she can take this for so many years. But I guess that is always the case with mental (or psychological?) abuse. People think they're not worth it and the person a using them is some sort of god. Well at least she doesn't think he does nothing wrong. In fact, I think she is finally getting there, slowly. She finally starts to realize things won't change and things won't get better. I just hope she won't get hurt so much anymore, and won't be permanently damaged by her boyfriend's behavior.

So, time for me to go to sleep. I only slept 7 hours last night, which is really not enough lately, but somehow I couldn't really fall asleep that easy. Then it started nagging me that I wanted to write something and now it's almost an hour later...Goooood Niiiiiight!