Back Home And Already Homesick

I have been wondering whether I should write some things or not. After all, they are personal and not only to me but also to others. On the other hand, I need to vent a bit.

I have been back home since Monday evening. I cried on the planes (I had a stop in Stockholm) and I really wanted to just book a flight back immediately, but at a certain point there's been enough traveling and I need to get back to my studies, even though I barely can do anything right now.

So I left my blog with the day I was going to see my friend perform at a bar. She was really sweet to put me on the guestlist with +3. Of course I brought three friends. We all met and had some nice talks before the show. Drinks were awfully expensive there so we poor girls all sipped really slowly on our ciders and the only friend with a job kept getting more drinks for himself. I am glad at least one of us could afford it over there. When they started playing I got chills, the song selection was great and she did so well! There was a short break in between and after that they did some more Finnish songs. Although I didn't know those, most of the audience did and they were dancing and singing along. It was a great performance and I liked this little bar because it gives it a more romantic and cosy feeling. After the performance me and my friend went back to her home, both very tired again. She even told me she was afraid my Dutchness was rubbing off on her. Well, I am not a typical Dutch person, but yeah apparently me being tired made her sleepy as well. We thought at least.

Next morning we found out it was really more because she was getting sick. Her throat hurt and it got even worse the next days. When I left her on Wednesday she barely could talk because her throat was so swollen and hurting.

On Sunday we didn't do that much, just hung out at her place a bit and talked. We went shopping for some food and I made us some salads so we had some vitamins to eat. I really was craving for fruit and vegetables by that time. Luckily, my salads were a succes because my friend really liked them. I made simple ones she can make herself as well now that I am gone. I noticed she does never really cook because she doesn't know how to and because she thinks it is an awful lot of work, so I secretly decided to teach her a bit while I was there, hoping she would maybe try them for herself later.

On Monday we went sightseeing. She took me to a church where this artist did all the art inside. Beautiful paintings everywhere and also some really beautiful stained glass artwork. I took lots of pictures. Too bad we could not visit a famous painting from closer by. It was something like the wounded angel, I am not sure about the title but it was something similar.

After that we took the bus to a place a bit outside of the city center to visit a tower. You can stand on top and see over whole Tampere. The ride towards this tower was already great, we saw so many beautiful houses and the view with all the trees covered in snow was amazing. We got out of the bus and walked for a bit, I took lots of pics again of all the snowy views. In the tower we went upstairs first and discovered we both have fear of heights but we still wanted to stare down and see all the beauty. It was a bit foggy but that made the view even more spectacular to me.

Once downstairs, we went to have some water and bought a donut there because they were supposed to have the best donuts of Finland there. Of course I don't know about that, since I did not try donuts anywhere else, but it was delicious! Some special spices were added that made it different from any other donut I ever had.

That day I promised to cook for my friend and one of her friends. I decided to go for another salad and enchiladas. It was quite a lot of work, mostly cutting all the chicken, but it was worth it because I think they really enjoyed it. I just feel like a mom sometimes. I mean, they are both quite a bit younger and I feel the need to take care of them, making sure they eat healthy enough with lots of vitamins.

On Tuesday my friend was getting sicker and we stayed in most of the day, except for when we got out for some food. We had some tea and just talked a bit, but since her throat hurt so much we mostly were just silent. No boredom though, just a relaxed and quiet day.

Wednesday was the day I was going back to Helsinki. Although I knew I would miss my friend here in Tampere, I was also really missing 'my guy' and so I was somehow happy to travel back. The evening before I managed to find a really cheap deal in a normally expensive hotel. Back in Helsinki I walked to the hotel, checked in and relaxed a bit. Since I was tired all the time I fell asleep. I knew my Finn would be late anyway, so no worrying about that.

In the afternoon I walked a bit through the city and checked restaurants and their closing times. Hardrock Café seemed to be open until 12 so that would be a good option. As we found out later, it only meant that the bar was open until that time, kitchen was closing at 10pm. Luckily we weren't extremely late, so we got to order a complete meal with a nice cocktail. As he told me, this was his gift to me because it would be Valentine's Day tomorrow. He said he doesn't do Valentine's Day so that's good to know. Why are guys always so unromantic?

But anyway, unromantic or not, it was sweet of him to do this for me. We had a really nice talk again and almost got looked away by the waiters cleaning up tables next to us. This was getting too familiar. Almost every time we went for dinner it had to be in a hurry for some reason. Once we had to catch the movie and all the other times the restaurant was closing up. Oh well, even with this we still managed to have great conversations. I cannot remember what we did that evening, if we went straight to bed or watched something, but I guess it doesn't really matter that much. I just know I had a great time with him again.

Next day was the real Valentine's Day. We had breakfast together, another nice moment and good talks and then he was off to work. I walked through the city for a bit that day. I really enjoyed all the walks there. I did not feel alone at all, just enjoyed the fresh air and quiet. I also wanted to find a little something as a Valentine's gift, but what I tried to find wasn't anywhere to be found. I wanted to get a copy of Tad Williams' Otherland - City of Golden Shadow. It's the first book of a series of four and it's a really good fantasy/sci-fi series. I enjoyed reading it when I was about 16 years old. In the end I decided that the hat I was knitting was maybe a more suitable gift since it didn't really cost me that much but I still took quite a while to make it, so it was more of a personal gift. I went back to the hotelroom and finished the hat in time for that evening.

Again I got offered a Valentine's Dinner, which is sweet, considering he doesn't do Valentine's Day and I had gotten offered a dinner the night before already. But well, I already knew he was a real gentleman. He seemed to be pleased with my hat and wore it that day outside. I am glad it fit him! We went to a Thai restaurant where we had been before, called Tamarin. We decided on this day we would eat a bit more healthy food, and so we did. They add lots of vegetables to the food and they are still very fresh, not at all overcooked. Afterwards we headed towards the supermarket and bought some fruit (and some tiny cake for him, he is a real sweettooth).

At the hotelroom we watched some really geeky things, I loved it! We watched some really old kids tv series with dinosaurs in it, called Dinosaucers. It still makes me smile, this name. Who ever came up with this name was a genius. Then we watched the rest of 'Labyrinth', the movie we last time started. I still love that movie, although a bit of the magic is gone when you're not a child anymore. We also watched part of a Rutger Hauer movie called 'Flesh and Blood'. We both saw it before but unfortunately we got too tired to completely finish it. I really need to find that one, I want to see it again.

Another nice breakfast together and gone he was again for work. I took my normal walk through the city, and went somewhere I had not been before. It took me about 2,5 to 3 hours but I am glad I got to find this part. Apparently I walked past the previous home of my guy without knowing. Funny that on that evening we ended up going to that same area to have dinner. It was a great Italian restaurant and it bothers me I cannot remember the name. I guess I will be going there again someday though, to have some tasty lasagne.

I ordered risotto and it was really nice, but as soon as I got a bite from my Finn's lasagne I regretted not ordering that. He told me it was great and it really was. I decided next time I will have that. Next day we went there again, and somehow I was more in the mood for pizza, so instead of ordering the obvious amazing choice, I went for pizza. It was good, but I am still thinking I should have ordered the lasagne. Next time. And then for real!

On Friday he had to go home, so instead of waking up every five minutes I had a good night's sleep. I went to breakfast alone and it did not feel as weird and lonely as I would have thought. That day he said he would be done at work early, and as I was still tired, even after a long night, I went back to sleep again. As I wrote before, we went back to the Italian place again, but before that, he took me to a place he had been talking about before already. It was a cake-restaurant or shop, whatever you call it. You could order a cake-buffet and then you could have as many cakes as you wanted. I had a nice chocolate-cassis one, and a lemon-lime cake. They were very good. We ordered tea with it and enjoyed all the nice tastes. In the next round I tried some vanilla-berries, which was a bit of a disappointment because the berries were a bit bitter. I can't remember what kind of berries they were. I also had lemon-merengue, a very good combination, and my favorite: buckthorn-white chocolate. The best ever! Sour combined with sweet, always good. We wanted to go for another round and tea, but of course the shop wanted to close at that time and so we were left a bit unsatisfied. Oh well, at least there was still room for that delicious pizza! In the next booth there was also a Dutch girl sitting with a Finn, we said this cannot be coincidence, but what it was a sign for never became clear.

Back at the hotel we watched Fraggle Rock, a tvshow from when I was a kid. He never heard of it but seemed to enjoy it because it was so happy and the songs were simple but funny. After checking all the movies he brough, we decided on Red Planet, a sci-fi movie, and I am glad I got to see it, it was very good. I thought now it was time to sleep, but we also started watching The Hitcher and finished it. Quite a scary movie. I am sure I will never pick up a hitch hiker ever! 

I remember at one point in the middle of the night I woke up and he held my hand and kissed it. I think it was the most romantic thing someone ever did to me. I enjoy it anyway to sleep next to him and hold his hand. It is very different from sleeping in each others arms but much more comfortable because you don't wake up from someone moving a bit, and your arm doesn't fall asleep. I do like to cuddle up in his arms in the morning though. I am just a sucker for romance I guess.

That Sunday was my last day in Finland. I still did not book my flight home and I decided this was the time to do it. I went for my daily walk and as I had to do get some gifts I went souvenir shopping. I got some nice Moomin gifts and lots of salmiakki-chocolate bars and I hope my friends are happy with them. I know it is not much but it is hard to come up with something affordable and something that fits in the already full suitcase. My guy said he would be working only half of the day so I expected him between four and five. Just enough time to get him some going away present (yeah I am the girl who likes to give lots of presents) and something I had been thinking about before I found in one of the last stores I checked out. It is really hopeless to find a Finnish-Dutch learning book in Finland. People are apparently not interested in learning Dutch over there. Luckily I knew this guy was at least a but intrigued. I wrote him a letter as well, saying he stole my heart (as if that was not clear already) and how I appreciated his company these last weeks. 

As time passed by that day, I did not hear from him. At a certain point I figured he would not show up anymore because he knew I was leaving anyway. Time never went so slow. Around 8pm he called me, saying he could stay longer at work that day, that no one else needed the studio so that's why he'd stayed longer. Would have been nice if he had told me that a few hours earlier...He would be at the room in about twenty minutes. I freshened up and waited. And waited. It was 1,5 hours later I think, when he finally arrived. No parking space in the area. This was a bad day, I could really feel this was not going to end well.

The only place probably still open for dinner would be the Italian place we went to in the first week, called Vapiano. I had bruschetta and spaghetti. Good, but unfortunately a bit cold by the time I got to it. I just ordered it wrong, so it was my own fault. I could tell he was really tired, after all we did not sleep that long the night before and he had been working non-stop.
He later told me he was all shaky. I know that feeling all too well, it's like you're in a dreamworld. Welcome to my daily life.

Back at the hotel we decided to go to sleep immediately, since it was late already and we were both tired. Well I destroyed it all with my gift. He read my letter and told me he was not that into me. I am wondering how I could have misread all the signs. The secret kiss on my hand, the sweet smiles, the staring into my eyes, taking me to dinner every day. On the other hand there were the days in Tampere when I barely heard from him, and of course not calling that he would be late. If he had thought about it, he would have known I would be worried. But apparently this is how it is. He does not want a relationship. He does not feel that for me. Or at least not that deeply. Girlie as I am, I cried. Luckily the lights were turned off already so I thought he would not notice. And again there I am confused. He did notice and cared. He hugged me and took care of me, stroked my arms, face and hair and we talked for hours about all things that are important to us and in our lives. I told him about my childhood when everybody at school hated me so much they bullied me every day until I was terrified to go to school. We talked about previous relationships, and about what we want to become in the future, about death and that we want to be remembered. You know, the important things in life. I think this was the best talk we had so far and I really got to know him a lot better. Unfortunately I also know that now I have to try and forget him. On the other hand I am not so sure if I really should. Like before there are mixed signals.

The next morning I woke up feeling really bad. Of course, I just got told I am not that person to him that he is to me. He asked how I was doing and even those kind of questions make me cry already. I wonder what he did to me. I remember very well I did not cry for a very long time and it was like nothing could touch me so deeply. But apparently he does. He is that special to me. He held me in his arms again and before I knew it I was looking into his beautiful eyes and drowning again. His sweet kisses, his soft touch, I just cannot resist. And he can't either, obviously. We missed breakfast and I started packing my things. We left the room just in time and he took me to an organic store where they made special smoothies. I can only remember the name of mine: Sports Lady, don't know what was in it. It tasted very fresh and healthy though. He also promised to bring me to the airport and he did. Still the gentleman! He even carried my suitcase, which I really did not like since I know how heavy it was. It embarrassed me. But it was a sweet offer. He went with me through check-in and finally left me at the security check. I got to hug him for one last time and to kiss him for one more time. I hate goodbyes. He told me he would write me. He asked when I was going to be back home.

I had a stop in Stockholm so it took most of the day to travel. My parents waited for me as soon as I came through customs and they took me for something to eat and then brought me home. Almost home, I got a text message from my Finn asking me how my trip was. That he would read something of the Dutch book I gave him. He told me he was thinking of me the whole day. Once more I am confused. I answered, thinking he was already asleep, but I got another message sending me hugs and kisses. Although this is really a bit cheesy, I love to get a message like that. More confused than ever...

The next day I sent him something back about my day, and he answered that evening. I answered back the next morning and that was it. I did not hear from him again. Today I cannot sleep. I went to bed really early because I felt so nauseous. I am still awake at 3am. I cried for a long time. I just don't know what to do. Send him a message because he seemed to like them before. Cut off all contact? Do I really want that? What I want is to write him how I am doing, even if that is sometimes not so well. What I am thinking about, what I am dreaming about. Like we did before. I wonder though if he would consider that annoying, like I did not get the hint, or that he would appreciate it and think otherwise I did not care for him at all if I can just drop him like that. I really don't know what to do. Go with what my heart says probably, like always.

Right now I wish I could not feel anything. No happiness but also no sadness. I wish I could just continue life and not care. I wish I could act like the single girl I am. Not being hung up on anyone, enjoying life. It all contradicts each other. My whole life is a contradiction at the moment. I cannot concentrate on anything, not even on a conversation, but I can write this for over an hour. Maybe it helps me to focus better or something. My mind wanders off all the time normally. Now it still does, but I can send it back to memories and that helps a bit.

I noticed that I feel cold again most of the times. I did not have any problems with that in Finland. My mom said it might have something to do with being relaxed and happy there. I just wish I could have kept that happiness a bit longer. I am thinking more strongly about moving there. Even if there is no guy to warm my heart, I feel so much at home there. I felt awkward walking around in the city these last days. I feel like I am being watched and judged all the time. Of course that is mostly in my head, but I did not get that feeling at all in Finland. People leave you alone. They don't look down on you. At least they do not show it. I wonder if it would be possible to make a living there. Mostly if I would move there next year with no fluent Finnish skills. Would it be possible to pull that off? I really want to try. I feel more free to do whatever I want to do over there. Over here I am expected to find a job as a physiotherapist, ballet teacher or researcher. Over there I can hopefully use more of my creative side. And that's what I would love and prefer to do. And there is still a bit of hope left in me that I will get together with my guy. I really believe he would be my perfect match, my one to make me complete. Only time can tell...