I started watching the first season of the L-word again. The L-Word is a TV series about a group of lesbian friends and their lives and loves. All memories come back from that time in my life and I am totally in love with this series again. I could never get enough of Shane (Katherine Moennig), she is so hot! Most people look at me as if I were an idiot, because she is so androgynous but I like it. To me she is a beauty and will always stay that way.
My best friend back then (she still is one of my best friends now) and I went to a few LGBT-parties and shared so many fun moments there. It's a different world in which we could be ourselves and meet people like us. I am sad this time was suddenly over, and I still don't know why. I sometimes wish to go back to that time. At a certain point we just stopped going to those parties and I wonder if she never misses it.
I remember I was studying physiotherapy at that time and I met this beautiful girl in the train on my way back home. It was winter and that day someone stole my jacket so I had to go home in my sweater. I felt stupid sitting in the train in mid-winter with only a sweater, but she sat across from me and smiled at me with a lovely smile.
I did not see her for quite a while, and I did not even know she was studying in the same building as me. I met her again in the school cafetaria and she looked at me from across the room with those intense, dark eyes. Ever since then I tried to go in there as many times as I could, to see if I could meet her again. I saw her a few times and we had eye contact but we never got to talk to each other and until now I still don't know her name. I don't even know what she was studying there. My mystery woman...forever lost.
I never really came out officially as being bisexual and until now, my parents don't know. I was always a shy girl and it took me a long time to realize I was bisexual. In elementary school I was always a bit of a loner; being bullied I got even more insecure about myself and I found that it was easier to talk to boys than girls. Maybe the girls always felt I was a bit different and knew more than me who I was.
In high school I got bullied even more, I was sometimes so scared I didn't want to go to school and tried to fake being sick. Since I had a giant lack of sleep it was not always necessary to fake it. I was sick a lot. I did pre-professional ballet school next to my normal high school and this was quite a distance to travel every day. I had to get up around 05.30h every morning and got home late, then had to eat and do my homework until I needed to go to bed. Sometimes I had so much homework I had to stay up late until it was done, but the alarm always went off at the same time and there were almost no exceptions, especially in the first three years. It was very heavy. Added to that there were almost no breaks in school, because in the breaks combined with a normal school-hour we had our ballet classes, modern dance classes, jazz dance classes and folklore dance classes. In later years there were additional music lessons and dance history.
All of these classes were great and interesting but it took a lot of energy from me and I can't remember a holiday I didn't get sick. I guess it was a bit too much. Still I enjoyed it all, except of course all the mean girls in school. They were threatening me and saying mean things and I only had one good friend there. He later turned out to be gay, but I could have guessed since he was also in my ballet class and he loved shopping for clothes as much as I did. Bottom line is we found each other. Other people made fun of us. They knew we were different and of course it was even more obvious than in elementary school because we were those 'ballet sluts', as they called us.
Somehow some of the ballet girls (we only had one boy in class, my friend) got to be the cool kids in school. I never found out how they did it, but they were. I wondered what they had that I didn't have and what I could do about it. I never found out. I am secretly hoping that all these bullies are now having a sad and lonely life and are very unhappy. I know how childish that sounds and of course they also made me who I am now, but they made it hell for me to get here. I should get over it. Maybe therapy will help me with this as well.
After highschool I went to ballet academy and as far as I can remember I had my first girl crush over there. I just did not know until after I completed the academy. I heard she got married and has a child now. She was a beauty too and so grown-up! Remember I was only seventeen when I went there and she was quite a bit older, about six years I think. We became quite good friends but she always had another and better friend than me. I just wanted to be closer to her and although we went out a few times after school as friends, I think she never saw me as anything else than the little one from her class. I was the youngest in my year, so they always called me 'the benjamin'. We had one reunion from school (and she wasn't there) and I could tell they still thought of me like that. Most of them have children now and are married. I would love to see all of them again, our little group of eight girls. We shared some good and bad times together! I just wish I had something nice to share about my life, something I accomplished over the years...
I wonder if I would be better off with a girlfriend than a boyfriend. I guess not, I guess there would be the same kind of issues or otherwise other things that would make me unhappy. Sometimes I wonder if I am able to be in a relationship and be happy. Maybe I should just be single for the rest of my life. I just don't know what I should do. But better to not know in advance of course. I should just take things as they are. Keep remembering the Mindfulness lessons. Not trying to change everything but live in the moment and enjoy it as it is. It is hard to not critize everything. I still have a lot to learn, that's for sure.
No comments:
Post a Comment